113 to 119

Yesterday's Eats: [820]

• Breakfast:  PBJ (235), Coffee (50)
• Lunch:  RF Wheat Thins (150)
• Snack:  Yoplait (100)
• Dinner:  String Cheese (80), FF Pringles (95), Twizzlers (110)

I got a taste of what it was like to restrict, not exercise and maintain a weight that was comfortable for me.  I didn't have to try too hard.  I ate less then the average Jane and it would still be considered a diet that most people would not want to maintain but it was OK for me.  Being thin was worth it and ever since I began this journey I had always accepted that I would never just be able to pig out and eat "normally" all the time.  I would always have to be careful.  I didn't have the luxury of eating like other people.  It was just the way it was.  I could over do it here and there and still be OK.  In November I ate 2 carne asada burritos for dinner and lost 1/2 pound!  I was 113.  How awesome is that?  Right now I can totally starve do an exercise video and gain one.  I want my body to continue to respond in the same way but it's not doing that right now and I am having a hard time dealing with it. 

I have struggled before.  It's not like this is a new thing but that was literally about 6 years ago when I was busting my but starving and exercising to get below 118 and ultimately down to 110.  Which I only saw that number for a couple days here and there.  I eventually crashed, bottomed out my metabolism and started eating more then 800 calories a day.  I had no choice.  I was starving, my numbers were rising and I was not able to loose a single pound anymore.   I got up to about 125 at some point and then I started restricting a bit more and was able to maintain no higher then around 122.  The desire to be lower kept coming back and I eased into heavier restriction gradually just before I meet hubby in 2008.  Even with the honeymoon phase of dating and eating out more I was able to stay around 119 or so.  Then even more restricting two years later while hubby was gone overseas.  He came back to a 113-115 lb wife and I did it all without exercise.  I ate homemade sandwiches, Subway (6" Low Fat) or Taco Bell (tacos) for dinner on top of the usual restricting during the day.  I hadn't been that low for years.  That was November of last year and the bubble started bursting around March of this year.  It kept going up and up but not ridiculously so.  Until now. 

I yearn for those low numbers again.  The only problem is my mindset and behavior's haven't quite caught up with reality yet.  I'm not sure when or if it will.  This horrible new reality that what was working earlier this year isn't anymore.