Laxatives To The Rescue

My big sis came down and we spent all weekend together which was nice.   We haven't been able to do this in so long so it was really great.  She may have diet restrictions because of her diabetes while preggo but she still loves to eat.  So, Saturday I was just like to hell with it.  I am going to start on Sunday with my restricting.  That morning I didn't eat but I got some candy for the movies and snacked on a few ff pringles before we went to dinner.  I ordered a sandwich and fries when we went out to eat.  FRIES!  The sandwich was high calorie too just because of the bread I think and that it has butter or something on it.  Oh yeah, the cheese too.  But it was so good.  I really hated myself after that and even more the next morning when I saw a bright nasty 120 on the scale.  OMG.  From bad to worse to worser to worsest.  Seriously.  I have lost all control and I can't seem to stop myself even though I know I'm doing it. 

She has to eat about 5 times a day so I opted out for most of those.  On Sunday I had a PBJ in the morn, and a snack size street taco when she ate her snack or lunch or whatever it was.  Then, that night I ordered a weight watchers entree from Applebees and a salad.  This should have been OK but it wasn't because I was so full afterwards.  That steak meal only has 390 cals and I probably should have just had soup or something so it would at least not feel so heavy but I justified my actions because it was a weight watchers meal.  

The laxatives had to work.  I have taken the recommended dosage before and had nothing even happen.  I took 3 before we left for the day and 1 more when we got back just to make sure.  It started kicking in a little bit after dinner.  My stomach started hurting a bit and I had to run back and forth to the toilet a few times even after I was tired and in bed but it had to be done.  I am contemplating doing it just one more time on Wednesday just to make me feel cleaned out and keep me on track.  I know it's supposed to be just water weight but I don't care.  I need to feel better and that numbers I was seeing on the scale are making me incredibly anxious.  I don't want to see 120 again. 

I am going to do work snacks like usual and dinner will be about 220 cals tonight.  I bought some fat free pringles which I love so for dinner I will probably eat two servings and a string cheese.  The other two dinners I have planned is one slice of left over pizza on one night and some left over baked beans on another.  Aside from that it will just be ff pringles and some string cheese from now until Sat.  Very strange I know.  The only thing I did right over the weekend was my exercise videos.  I did it Sat and Sun morning because I felt I had no choice.  I was eating so poorly and the numbers were just going up and up making me sick. Oh, I didn't even mention that pizza on Friday night with hubby!! UGGGHHH! 

I think it had to get really bad before I would take action.  Somehow in the back of my head I'd think and hope that I somehow wouldn't gain weight or that I could fix it because I've been maintaining in this weight range for a while now.  I got over confident because I am seen as thin and I even saw myself as thin in my pics and thought I had a handle on my weight.  But, for whatever reasons things are changing right now.  I have loosened up and gotten a lot less strict with my eating and I guess it's just taken a while for my body to catch up but it is.  So now in a way it's kind of like I'm starting all over because I let it go so far without doing anything about it.  Which sucks. 

I have no excuse this week.  I will not be making any plans to go out with anybody so as not to risk derailing my plans.  It's work-work snacks and home-minimal dinner all week.  I will be under 1000k cals all week.  I will do my exercise video even if  don't feel like it.  Hopefully I can make some progress by Saturday.  I need to get into that strict mind set by the time hubs comes back Sat and there is a dreaded BBQ where I am just finally going to have to get tough with myself.  I REFUSE to screw up this time.  I am not really in maintenance mode anymore.  I am in weight loss mode because I screwed up so that means that I can't eat bad one day and make up for it the next.  For a while I didn't HAVE to be as regimented as I used to.  So I didn't.  But now, apparently I do so I am going to have to adjust my behavior unless I want to get fat and for me that really isn't an option.  I can do this.  I HAVE to do this.