Buddha Belly

Yesterdays Eats:

• Breakfast:  Maple Bar Donut & Coffee (I know-bad girl)
• Lunch:  LF Granola Bar
• Snack:  Yoplait Light
• Dinner:  About 10 RF club crackers with cold cheese on top, Apple

I have totally crossed the line today.  I had already tip toed past it but just barely.  Now I have totally stepped out of bounds with my horrible weigh in today.  Aside from the donut I don't feel I did that bad yesterday.  When I call myself trying I seem to do a hell of a lot worse even!  It's like I can't win.  I came home so tired yesterday.  Yeah, I could have exercised but dammit I just don't feel like it!  I hopped on the scale and it said 119 meaning I was already up 1/2 pound from morning.  Meaning I can't really eat much for the rest of the day or else I will definitely gain.  So, I just snacked a bit and felt I did OK only to find that I gained anyways. 

My restriction plan for this week must go well or else I am totally screwed.  My bowels are so irregular which doesn't help my cause any.  I feel like I need to go now but am not even close. 

Last night I felt so anxious over my fibroids poking out.  I kept waking up in the middle of the night and putting my hand over my monstrous distended belly.  I am used to a flat stomach and especially when I lay down that fibroid pokes out so much I look pregnant.  It's like some horrible appendage that I can't control and I hate it!  When I stand up you can't tell so much.  My stomach still looks flat but I can't suck it in as flat as I normally can.  I hate it that I have no control over this.  I could be skinny every else and then have a round Buddha belly from stupid fibroids and there is nothing I can do about it.  I have always taken such pride in my flat tummy and ab definition.  There are people who will try and try and never be able to have it-and it's effortless for me.  I don't take that for granted because NOTHING is easy for me.  It's one area I've never had to work on and always liked about my body.  That pride is being invaded and slowly being taken away from me.  If they keep growing by next year I might look pregnant all the time and I can only imagine the horror of my jeans not fitting.  I have never felt scared or uncomfortable about being in a bathing suit because even though I have been bigger then I would like I have always been toned and had a flat tummy.  Not that I find myself in a bikini too often but I am going to be pissed off if I need to be in one and my fibroids are poking out my stomach making me feel like a fatty.  Like I am out of shape.  I think I should go to the gyno just to make sure that this is normal for them.  I don't think I've had a pap in a while. 

I have this horrible sense of dread right now about my weight that I had managed to distance myself from just last week.  I am 1 pound over my max maintenance weight and have not been doing well in the weight loss area lately.  I am scared I won't be able to loose it.  This might be it for me.  I may have totally lost control of my weight and I am terrified of not being able to get it back.