I Transformed My Body

Yesterdays Eats: 860 Cals

• Breakfast:  PBJ (250), Coffee (50)
• Lunch:  Sun Chips (210)
• Snack:  Light Yogurt (100)
• Dinner:  Turkey Sandwich on Sandwich Thins (150), Tort Chips (100)

I am obsessed with looking at my wedding pics.  Weird huh?  I haven't even gotten the pro pics back yet.  I keep re living those moments and in some ways I am sad that it's all over.  I want to do it again dammit!!!  I am more into my wedding after the fact then before.  Before hand I was just like, "yeah, I am having a wedding...it's great...it's fun.....yeah...yeah"  Now I am just like, "Weddings are the best.  I feel so lucky to have had one.  Everyone should have one and I want to start planning another one!!"  Funny.  I also can't believe the way I look in the pics because for once I kind of see what everyone else says they see.  A skinny girl.  And don't they say the camera adds 10 lbs?  It's not like I haven't seen myself in pics but most of the time they are closer up.  Modeling pics I have of myself are mostly closer up too.  I have some bikini shots but I never felt I looked that thin in them.  Probably because I hate my thighs (even though they don't touch)and my athletic straight build.  I don't have the hip bones that jut out or the hourglass figure.  In my wedding pics I can see that my elbows and collarbones are jutting out and my shoulders are pointy.  I realize that loosing more weight would send me on the track to scary skinny.  Sometimes I think I would like that and other times I know how silly that is.  

What strikes me the most is that I really have transformed my body.  Just out of high school I was 150 lbs!!  All muscle.  No one ever said I was fat.  I wasn't.  Just solid.  I hated feeling big boned and large.  I hated taking up so much space.  To me that was fat.  Once I hit that mark the dieting began and that was a long time ago!!  A good 15 years.  People that saw me at our 10 year HS reunion could not believe how thin I was.  It was the same comment over and over.  "You are so thin.  What happened?"  6 years later and I have maintained most of that weight lost not topping out above 125 since operation get skinny.  People that meet me now have no idea that I used to be a size 9 in juniors at one point!!  After I had dropped down to 112 hit rock bottom and started gaining again the max I went to was about 125 and I've gone down since then.  At 125 my friend said I looked better.  Still slim but not too skinny.  For me that's not quite good enough.  I need to feel skinny to be happy apparently. 

It's funny because I didn't really realize how much space a larger person takes up.  Take my car for example.  Hubs aunt filled up that entire space on the passenger side.  I have noticed it a bit with hubs just cause his is a man with longer legs etc but it is somehow so strange to me that a person is that large that they hardly fit into a car.  Her knees were up against the dash and there was no open space remaining on the seat.  Yes, my car is small but wow.  When I sit there there is room on either side of the seat and plenty of space up front.  Also, when I went shopping with MIL she tried on a size large sweater at a store and she couldn't fit her arm into it.  It's really hard for me to comprehend.  She really doesn't seem that big to me but technically she is if she is a size 16.  I have such skewed perceptions of size.  I don't know what's what anymore. 

I have extensions in my head from the wedding and they are driving me mad.  I don't know how people can handle having a weave.  I don't care how crappy my hair is I would never be able to do this all the time.  Who can live like this?  Good thing I actually like my hair.  I am aware of my scalp all day long and it itches!!  I'm trying to hold out 'cause I paid for it and only have enough money to get my hair done at the salon one more time this month.  I do enjoy the ease of it and the longer hair.  I can't wait until my hair finally grows out to as long as it used to be.

Thank goodness the weekend is here.  I can rest and clean house and continue to mourn the fact that my wedding is over.  That's the plan.