Somewhere In The Middle

Yesterday's Eats:

• Breakfast:  PBJ, Coffee
• Lunch:  RF Cheese Its
• Snack:  FF Yogurt, Granola Bar
• Dinner:  1/2 bag microwave popcorn, string cheese
• Snack:  Pecan twirl, 2 Snackwells

If I am really going to make a push for super skinny by my wedding the time is now. The time was actually last month but I don't know what happened to that. What the hell am I waiting for?  Hubby went to a friend's house to watch the game so for dinner I was left to my own devices.  What I should have done is had water for dinner but I didn't.  I am not sure what to think of the food I ate listed there for me in black and white.  To any normal person it might sound like not much at all and a strange assortment of things to eat in a day.  To ED people I look like a pig.  I am always somewhere in the middle.  That seems to be my designated place in life.  I am a good writer and I am awesome at budgeting, planning, and organization. I look good enough to have done some modeling.  I am graceful, flexible, and have great muscle tone even without exercise.  I am always told I have an excellent speaking voice, I am very articulate and I am a really fast reader.  I did not graduate with honors but I went to a great college and was done by the time I was 21.  Tiny pin prick moments of brilliance here and there but never quite enough to do anything of significance with.    I was never that popular girl.  I was on prom court but didn't win queen.  I post on Facebook and nobody comments but there are others who get 20 replies just for saying something lame like-"The wall is pretty."  Some blogs have 50 million followers and I have 33 (but I love each and every one!).    I don't get the best jobs.  I'm not the skinniest or the fattest, not the ugliest or the prettiest.  Not the best, not the worst.  Not the funnest or most outgoing.  Not the most stylish, but OK.  Just there.

I feel like the biggest slug in the world.  Instead of bettering myself with exercise or school I come home and watch TV.  I am so unproductive it's ridiculous.  I waste so much time.  Granted, I get home at 5:30pm and need to be in bed by 9:30-10pm so that's only 4-4 1/2 hours a night but still.  I have this feeling that I need to DO something.  I need to find a way to improve my job situation and my income situation.  I should be working on learning Spanish again but after it got hard and hubby came home I put it aside and haven't touched it since.  This is why I am a loser.  The winners in life don't sit around doing nothing the way I do.

I remember when I used to work at my old job that I despised and still had hope of being a full time working actor or model.  I'd look around at all of the unattractive, lumpy, old folks around me and feel sad for them that this miserable job was all they had to look forward to for the rest of their lives.  Of course I was prepared for failure but that tiny bit of hope kept me going and made me feel that somehow someway-with my so called "good looks" and ambition for something more that it would not be my fate to wither away in an office somewhere dreaming of retirement.  But here I am.  Back then, the thought killed me and now the reality is what it is.  I have made my peace with it and accepted it.

Sometimes I find it so sad that we have to spend most of our lives working at boring office jobs.  I often wonder what wealthy people think about the lives of every day folks.  What about those making big time bucks in awesome jobs in entertainment, fashion, or writing?  Do they feel sorry for us that we have to go to work every day and sit in industrial looking office cubicles?  That we only have about 10 vacation days a year to look forward to?  That we have to budget and settle for less then what we want a lot of times because that is all we can afford?  I wonder if they know how lucky they are? 

The thing is, that to a certain extent we make our own fate.  In other ways we don't.  Had genetics pushed me out of the womb and into a 5'11" and  118 lb body perhaps my life would be different.  If I had been born to rich parents and able to take advantage of opportunities that money can bring who knows where I'd be.  Forget about money, what if I'd actually had some real talents?  Writing, acting...ANYTHING!  If I had been smarter, more driven, or more focused on any kind of career at all I might not be where I am sitting right now. 

I don't know how this train of thought came about. I guess these are random thoughts that pop into my head here and there. But I am not depressed. I accept all of these things and don't feel crippled by it as I used to. The only thing I can attribute that to is hubby because although much improved I was still a hot mess emotionally when he met me. He is like my drug. My human walking, talking, breathing anti depressant. I may not have a lot of things I've dreamed of but I do have him. As great as he is he loves ME.  I am average, lazy, and unambitious but he wanted me anyways and I can't fall apart. I need to be there to do my best to make his life as wonderful as he makes mine. I am not in this alone anymore and that has made a world of difference.  And to think, I tried to push him away.  I was afraid.  I was too damaged and he could do so much better.  Why ruin his life when I was already doing such a good job of just ruining my own?  The truth is he could have done a whole lot better but in the end my selfishness won out.  I chose him.  I chose happiness over the misery and although I am far from where I wish I was I hate to think of where I would be today if I hadn't.