The Ex Files

I felt like crap this morning. My stomach felt slightly upset and I was SO tired. I went to bed late and getting out of bed on this gloomy and rainy morning was HELL.

Saturday I did meet my ex for a drink. We split an appetizer and I ate chips & salsa and had a beer. That was all for that day aside from my morning PBJ.

He's been out of the country for the last 5 months or so and he called me the very day he got back. We remained friends after the split because I just couldn't see any reason not to. He did screw me over with all of his lies but bottom line, he really was a friend to me during some pretty dark days. I can't forget that. I am totally unaffected by him now and it still amazes me because there was a time when I couldn't resist him. He SO had his chance but all he did is lie so that's that. I am soooo glad we didn't end up together because hubby is so the man for me. Looking back I can see that the ex was really not my type. I wonder if he actually had been available if I would have even wanted him. It could have just been the lure of the bad boy, oh and the sex was good, but now that I look back on it I wonder what the hell I was thinking. I could have never trusted him long term. He's a lady's man-a charmer and that's what drew me in even though he wasn't my usual type. He was living with his wife for goodness sake and never even had the decency to tell me. I was a fool. I always wanted to believe the good in him even when nothing added up and everyone else told me he had to be lying to me. I waited around a lot longer and put up with a lot more then many women would have. What woman would accept not ever seeing or knowing where her so called boyfriend lived in a whole year? What woman would put up with never seeing her man on holidays, him not answering his phone after a certain time and randomly stopping by for short visits like I am some kind of pit stop. Even after I busted him I still stuck around. Hoping he would just come clean. Then one day when I couldn't even spend super bowl Sunday with my so called boyfriend for no good reason I snapped and said enough is enough. I told him I'd seen his house and I knew the truth. He used to try to turn it around and make me feel bad about checking up on him but he drove me to it. He was the bad guy not me. He wouldn't tell me the truth so I had to find out myself. I can't believe I of all people was in that drama filled situation. I felt like I was in some kind of soap opera.

I know that if I told him that we could be together right now he'd take me up on it in an instant. That has to suck to still want someone when they have totally moved on-especially when you are totally to blame for loosing that person in the first place. But, it sort of serves him right. I gave him every opportunity to be honest with me. I asked for nothing from him. All I wanted was the truth and had he been up front about his situation maybe I could have been understanding. But rather then take the chance he chose to lie instead. He's actually finally getting divorced but it's too little too late. He treated me like a left over when we were so called "together" but now I'm over it and doing well when I know he still has huge regrets about losing me. I have a great guy, I am getting a new house, I got a new car and I'm planning a wedding. Sadly [for him] I'm doing all of the things he wishes he could do with me but with someone else. It kind of feels good to be the one that sort of "won." It's like "in your face." I look good and I might be a bit of a looser but overall I am a good woman and he knows it. And he lost me when I was his for the taking.

Hubby is Ok with our friendship. He trusts me. He knows I am so crazy about him that I'm not lookin' for anything anywhere else. When I first met hubby I admit I was not fully over the ex. I was almost there and I was trying to be but he still had a little bit of pull over me. I downplayed that to hubby and I also downplayed to him how much the ex was still was wishing he could be with me. I did this because it's stuff hubby just didn't need to know and I still wanted him to be my friend without any animosity between the two. It's so rare that this can happen because most of the time so called adults can't get it together to act adult enough to handle a situation like that but I made sure I handled it in such a way that it would be possible. They have met. When I meet up with him hubby knows about it. It is possible to remain friends with your ex-you just have to be up front and handle it the right way.

There are no pleasantries with the ex hubby anymore. Mostly because he had the nerve to get mad at ME for being upset that he put a ding on my credit for not paying a student loan that I so kindly co signed for him when we were still married. HELLO!! I am the co signer. That's what you signed me up for and it's my job to make sure you pay it. It was just an extension of our relationship. He was always getting mad at me if I disagreed or didn't like anything. He'd blame me if we got lost on the road, were late or if the hotel reservation was messed up. Everything was my fault and he had no patience with me whatsover. I used to walk on eggshells and just hope that nothing went wrong because I knew the finger would be pointed at me. We shared one TV and he hogged it with playing video games and TV all day. If there was a show I wanted to watch or if I wanted to do an exercise video it was like I had to put in a request and he'd still act all put out by it. He was such an exemplary hard working perfectionist type of employee when it came to work but at home he wouldn't lift a finger around the house. He let crap pile up everywhere but got mad at me if I protested. He didn't do dishes for a whole year-I kept track-and had the nerve to say I was lying when I finally mentioned it. I had to take care of everything! I made travel arrangements for every trip we ever took. I found every apartment we ever lived in and he had the nerve to get mad that he had to come out and sign the lease agreement on a place I found-and that I didn't notify him that it was raining. Hell, I even found him his first job after he got out of the military. He acted like he couldn't do anything on his own. I was the breadwinner in that relationship. Imagine that considering my position now! I used to make a lot more money then and he was barely scraping by and thought credit cards were cool. He got into so much debt it was ridiculous and I didn't want to be the one to pay for it. I was smart with my money. It got to the point where I didn't want to do a thing for him. I felt like I put up with so much that I didn't want to make the effort to cook for him or anything else extra. It pissed me off when he would ask me AGAIN to drive to his work and bring him his wallet that he forgot or to drive home from work and let him into the house because he locked himself out. He was so damn needy. I just didn't like him much anymore towards the end and I guess he didn't like me much either because he started to ignore me for a few weeks then finally said he wanted a divorce. I had lost so much weight that he was disgusted by my body but I think part of the reason that I started that was due to depression partly brought on my him and our miserable life. I just didn't know any better. He was my first boyfriend. I lost my virginity to him. We were together for 9 years!! The fact that it took us 4 years to get engaged and we spent 3 years being engaged before we finally got married should have been the tip off. After two years of marriage it was splitsville. We should have never gotten married in the first place. When I read back on my old journals from when we were together I am struck by just how miserable and unhealthy our relationship was.

I've had exactly 2 boyfriends in my life which means I only have 2 ex's. I didn't get out dating much obviously!! But with each break up it was always handled in a very cordial way. I wouldn't say the ex husband and I are friends but it was not an ugly break up and we communicate cordially as needed now. That's just how I do it.

I'm so glad all of that madness is over. I have the man i'm supposed to be with now and when you finally have that you know it because it so pales in comparison with every other crap relationship you ever had but that you actually believed was good at the time. Hubby and I just flow. We are on the same page most of the time and the times that we aren't at least we are in the same chapter. It's not always perfect but when you are right for each other that's half the battle and it just makes everything else so much smoother.

Last night I made dinner. It turned out okay. I had one serving with wine. Other then munching on some FF pringles, tortilla chips, and my morning PBJ that was all I ate yesterday. I took the dreaded fat pill yesterday. Let's see if my numbers start going up. My stomach feels a little better after eating my sandwich this morning but I am still tired as hell. It's gonna be a long day.