Fatter

I must be retaining. That is the ONLY explanation I can come up with. Admittedly so I blew it on Saturday and Sunday but I absolutely did NOT blow it yesterday and I gained a whole pound in one day after having a BM last night. It doesn't make me feel too much better when I see that high ass number on the scale. Water weight or not it doesn't make me any less mad or any less miserable. I'm in exactly the same boat I was a month ago. The same old rickety tired boat. An unacceptable weight. I tell myself what I am going to do when faced with X food at X event and then when I get there with my stomach rumbling and see it and smell it and taste it then it all flies right out the window. Then I weigh in and get mad at myself for not sticking to the plan. The good news is that I did manage to get down to 114.5 even if briefly. This means that I can do it and ideally not mess it up next time around. The bad news is that now I have to loose the weight. Again.

Last night we had some Chinese dish that the hubby likes to make. We made it together this time. It's pasta and a lean pork basically. No, pork isn't the healthiest cut of meat out there but I didn't eat that much. I drank water with it. Aside from work snacks my only other indulgence was a cookie and some FF candies. I guess that's part of the problem. My "little" indulgences are just not as little as I think they are. I need to get tough and not allow myself to stray at all. Maybe that all or nothing attitude is going to be a better solution for me right now. Maybe not. I don't know.

I am so tired of this backed up feeling. I'll eat something and then feel like I need to have a BM but can't go. I just feel heavy and overloaded and it sucks. My body is back holding on to everything again and I'm so over it.