Screw It

I restrict and I gain, I eat and I gain so last night I sort of said screw it. Why bust my butt right now to continue starving for the day when I could be eating a giant chicken casadilla instead? The results will be the same so why not have some pleasure? I restricted all day. Only some olives, carrots and one serving of tortilla chips. With my stomach growling and my appetite raging we went to dinner. It was a comedy club and I knew in advance that everything on the menu was junky bar food. There was a two drink minimum per person. So eat and drink I did. I knew I was going to do it, I did it, and then afterwards just felt sort of numb about the whole thing. Screw it right? It's the same thing I said before I dug into some Chicken Tenders at happy hour on Thursday. Never mind it was one of the lowest cal appetizers on the menu according to the handy dandy nutritional guide in the back. 472 calories and a beer on top of all day restricting would have been good enough two months ago but not anymore.

The only good thing was that this morning I had the most satisfying BM that I have had all year. Despite my huge transgression and my screw it attitude I still hadn't given up. Nope, I am going to fight the fight right? In an effort to fix my binge from last night I tagged along with hubby to basketball so I could get my lazy butt outside and do some walking. I got in a good 45 minute brisk walk and a lot of just cool down walking after that. I did tons of much needed stretching. I have lost so much flexibility over the last few years it's pathetic. It felt good to move my body and feel like I was my exerting muscles and burning calories. I came home and what was my reward? I was a pound heavier then I was this morning. How sad is that? What this tells me is that my body is done doing what I want it to do. Just months ago I was happily maintaining at 116 without too much starving and now I eat a bite and find myself at 118. I try to do a little exercise and I gain a pound.

I am devastated by this turn of events. It is hard to know I am gaining and getting fat and that there is nothing I can do to stop it. To know that no matter how hard I try it is unlikely that my body will obey. It's happened before. Except this time its taken me by surprise because before the total metabolism halt came after some super heavy restricting. And while in general my diet tends to err on the side of restriction I've been eating way more then I used to so I didn't think I would have this problem. I was actually beginning to believe that I had mastered this whole being skinny thing. Stupid girl. Don't you know by now that NOTHING will every come easy to you?

I am not really sure what to do right now. My stomach rumbles as I speak. My eats for the day are as follows:

• Strawberries, Grapes(100)/Low Fat pound cake (80)
• Sandwich (250)/string cheese (80)
• 1/2 cup reduced fat ice cream (150)

I thought about skipping the sandwich but I knew somehow that it wouldn't make a difference if I did and that in fact it might only make matters worse. I have eaten 660 calories today and exercised. Even so, I am still terrified of what awaits me on the scale tomorrow because lately the harder I try the worse it gets.

I wanted for everyone to come to my wedding and say how skinny I am but now I'll be lucky if I can squeeze into my ridiculously expensive $700 wedding dress at all. I am dreading the day I put some pants on and feel tightness where it used to be loose.

I am losing this fight and I hate it.