Eat, Drink & Be Merry

Yesterday I came home and hubby was getting ready to cook the meat. We decided on nachos so I ran to the store for beer and tortilla chips. I figured it can't be that bad. Not a carbohydrate loaded meal. Cheese-calcium. Lean ground beef-protein. Re fried Beans-fiber and protein. Can't ignore the tortilla chips. They have absolutely nothing to offer nutritionally except empty calories. Oh yeah and beer. But you can't have nachos without beer and I always go light-110 calories. It was to be one serving of nachos not some free for all mountain where you keep picking at it and munching on it until you are stuffed. My serving was a little bit larger then I wanted as hubby is the one who put it together but I ate it enjoyed every bite. I knew I was half pound up from my morning weight before I took the first bite and that this meal could totally blow it but apparently that was a chance I was willing to take.

• Home from work: 116.5
• After shower: 116
• After nachos: 117
• This morning: 116

For reasons I can never seem to figure out I was not punished for my indulgence. I wish this is how it always was. Where I could just eat a reasonable or even slightly unreasonable meal and then simply loose it overnight. Every day without fear that I might gain two pounds overnight instead. Eating and maintaining or better yet eating and loosing a little is a beautiful thing. To be naturally skinny and not have to fight so hard for it would be amazing. There are times when I fantasize that I am that girl but those frightful moments when the scale shoots up and I go hungry for days and days on end just to loose one pound are always there to remind me that I am not.

I get lucky now and then like last night. I have been incredibly fortunate to maintain in the teens at what I think has probably been about 1200 calories a day on average. I still don't know how I am managing to do this now when it was not possible before. There is always that fear of when it will all go away lurking around the bend. That moment when the scale flashes up at me in defiance and my body refuses to do what I want it to no matter how many nights I go to bed hungry.

I live in fear of eating TOO much gaining TOO much and finding it TOO impossible to get rid of. That is my life. That is my struggle.