She found me on Facebook. I have thought about her off and on over the years so it was really cool to hear from her. It's nice to know that I am not totally unforgettable and that I made enough of an impact on her to want to get in touch. I have made great gains in accepting my looser status over the past year but checking out her profile kind of took me down a notch for a second. No matter how far I come there is always going to be that part of me that hates myself for not being better then I am.
In the old days it would have caused me to spiral into some miserable black hole. Woe is me. I suck. I am a looser. I have no career, make no money, have no ambition and will never amount to anything. I don't deserve hubby and don't even deserve to live. Those thoughts are still bumping around in my head but it will not flatten me like it would have in the old days. I am more accepting of my looser status and have made as much peace with it as I can. I am not jealous but I am envious. There is a difference between those two words. I begrudge no one success and I am not bitter towards her or anyone who is industrious enough or lucky enough to achieve it. It is always just such a reminder of how little I have accomplished myself.
She is no doubt wildly successful and probably making a lot of money. Two things I will never do. I feel embarrassed to even talk to her because I am nothing compared to her. Most of my friends are successful so it's not a new feeling for me-I just don't want to have to re hash it with someone new. I am not proud of being a clerical worker and I never will be.
Disclaimer: I am not materialistic. I don't care about things for the sake of name brand or or a job because it might have prestige. It's quality of life I'm after. My gripe is not just about being rich so much as the way having a decent income can allow you to lead a less stressful and more opportunity filled life. And, even if I were not making much money I am sure that I would feel much more fulfilled and successful if my work was meaningful, something I loved to do, or career structured.
Warm fuzzy things I say to try to make myself feel better:
- There is more to life then money and success.
- Money doesn't buy happiness.
- Not everyone is meant to have a career and not having one doesn't make me less of a person.
- I have perfect credit.
- I may not make much money but at least I like my job.
- I have never depended on anyone to take care of me.
- I am a good person and all I can do is my best.
- If I wanted something bad enough I would do it.
- At least I am not overweight.
- At least I went to College.
- There are a lot of people who are not doing as well as I am.
- Things could be worse.
- I still managed to snag a great guy who loves me for me.
- I have lots of good qualities.
- I have some wonderful things to look forward to in my life.
BULL CRAP!
While all of the above may be true the bottom line is that I suck. In the game of life I am the runner up and never a winner. I want things and I want to do better but I have no clue how to go out and get it which makes me even more pathetic. I am lazy and yet I complain about not doing better. I am not very good at anything I have ever done in my life. I tried at modeling and acting but couldn't make a career out of it. That would have been awesome by the way. I love writing but don't know how to make a career out of that. Mediocrity suits me well. People all over the world are going back to school, starting awesome careers, excelling in sports, getting rich off of stupid reality TV shows, getting book deals from writing a blog and being launched into modeling or acting. Hell, there are teenagers inventing products, starting businesses, and spearheading charities. Doing things that matter. Things that are important [it's not just about money]. But not me. I am a perfectionist but what have I ever even come close to perfecting? I get so tired of all of those successful people all smiles and good fortune telling you to "just do what you love and everything else will follow." Well, I have been and I'm still waiting. I think of the kind of life hubby might have with someone successful; heck the kind of life we might have if I had been able to go out and do it myself. But instead hubby ends up with me and I am left with the never ending feeling of inadequacy and shame over what I have become.
I accept this and am doing better with dealing with it but it doesn't mean I have to like it. There are plenty of people who might be thrilled to be in my position for whatever reasons or perfectly content being a cubicle office worker. The problem is that I don't happen to be one of them.
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