There Are No Winners In This Game

The clips below are from a British soap opera called Hollyoaks. The character Hannah portrayed by the actress Emma Rigby develops an eating disorder after she catches her boyfriend cheating on her with a man. She becomes very depressed and convinced that there must be something incredibly wrong with her that caused her boyfriend to turn "gay". She meets a model named Melissa who is anorexic and in her emotionally weakened state she becomes anorexic herself. The story line follows the pair as they urge each other on in their eating disorder and become sicker and sicker. Melissa ultimately ends up in the hospital and dies from a heart attack after sneaking out of the hospital with the help of Hannah. The death of her dear friend only worsens Hannah's eating disorder behavior and she spirals out of control until she herself ends up in hospital. Even watching her friend die does nothing to stop her from her quest to starve herself. Emma Rigby won a best actress title at the British Soap Opera awards in 2008. Even from just these clips alone you can see how talented she is. Oh, and I love her accent!!

I happened to stumble upon this story line on You Tube and was absolutely captivated. The acting of everyone on the show is incredible. The words in these two songs touch me to the core. They make me cry and are a reflection of the pain and agony that I feel inside. It is a very difficult thing for people who do not have this kind of problem to understand.

I do not have an eating disorder as clinically defined but I still struggle. I cannot deny that I do have a problem by the simple fact that thoughts of weight, food, and the desire to restrict calories are so prominent in my mind and have been for so many years. I am underweight and I am basically on what would be referred to as a starvation diet. My stomach is growling right now and feels empty and a little bit painful because I refuse to give my body what it needs. I have actually gotten accustomed to this feeling. NOT normal.

It makes me so sad to read all of these blogs of people suffering from eating disorders. So many people tortured inside by this madness. I find it even sadder that it is celebrated. To look at a picture of a girl who is too thin and starving herself and tell her to keep it up doesn't sit well with me. I am guilty of favoring a very thin body. I have sought out so called "thinspiration" but I know it's not healthy and I would never feel comfortable encouraging others to participate. Nobody should want this kind of pain.

I believe that if we could all just love ourselves enough then we wouldn't hurt ourselves this way. I try so hard to be happy and to love myself. I try to do the right thing in life but no matter how hard I try and scratch my way through this world I am left with misery and mediocrity. Why I am I not good enough to deserve any better? I do this because I am good at nothing else. I can get by on less food and that makes me feel superior in my own sick little way. Being slim is my badge of honor. I may not be rich, the smartest, or have the greatest job but if nothing else I can at least have something coveted by women all over the world. Granted, there are so many thinner then me so even still I have failed at this just like so many other things. There are no winners in this game.

This is an exhausting addiction. Not only for me but for others in my life. My parents worry about me. It was one of the things that contributed to my divorce from my first husband. I can't let that happen again. My husband is way too good for the likes of me. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and if I wear him out with my emotional issues then there is no hope left for me in this world.

I call it an addiction because at least for me I feel that I am addicted to starving. It makes absolutely no sense but somehow I need it. Why do I want to deny myself something that everyone needs to live? I am so tired of caring about this but I simply do not know how to make it stop. Restricting calories is a form of control. If I am so in control that I can will my body to be above food then why can't I make the problem go away altogether? Why can't I make myself happy?

This scene is heartbreaking. There are no other words to describe it. There is just so much pain inside

of a person that would make them hurt themselves so much. I don't believe anyone chooses this.

The still images here so stunningly capture the battle that goes on inside a person with an eating disorder.

There is so much self hatred involved. The pained look in this character's eyes says a thousand words.

Emma Rigby did a heck of a job portraying this character. It is achingly realistic.