Spinning Out Of Control

It is not clear to me why just 1/2 pound can make me sad. Am I so much fatter then I was yesterday? Am I a much different person? Did that half a pound somehow alter me so drastically? Even if not physically, my mind always wants to tell me different. I feel stuffed and bloated. A BM has not happened in a while. I hang my hopes upon that expulsion of excess baggage that will make me lighter and hopefully less sad. The hunger has relentlessly gnawed at my belly the last few days. I laugh it off if someone else happens to hear it's persistent sounds. I munch on my allotted snacks willing it to go away. Tuesday night my stomach protested as I lay down to sleep. Haven't I given you enough I thought. What more do you want from me? The hunger pains are usually gone by morning. Perhaps the little monsters in my stomach simply give up when they realize I do not intend to listen to their call.

Do they look down on me? Can they see what a worthless person I am as I sit at my desk and methodically stuff 1800 letters into 1800 envelopes while they have important meetings where they make important decisions. Is that a glint of superiority that I see in her eyes? I wonder if they laugh about all of the stupid ones who are not as smart and accomplished as they. I am curious wondering what it would feel like to be in their designer shoes instead of the ones I bought on sale and saddened by the knowledge that I will never know.

I was doing so well. I had left the darkness and misery behind. He made me happy. A happiness that I had not ever known. Then these dreadful thoughts start creeping into the edges of my mind. I am crying more then I have in a long time and now I am scared that the depression is coming back for me. I cannot let my husband know these crazy thoughts that race through my head. He is too happy and well balanced to understand my pain. When he comes home he brings love and he also brings change. I must not be afraid to embrace it.

I do not like myself at all right now. I am anxious, edgy, and irritable. There are so many things coming at me too fast and too furiously that my head is spinning. I must be in control. The moment my simple ordered world becomes too undone the anxiety becomes unbearable. I am this ugly easily angered ogre and I can't go back to being a sweet princess until I regain order. I deprive myself of food and I deprive myself of things so that my neat little boxes do not explode. You cannot eat that. It will make you fat. You cannot buy that or do that because it is beyond your reach. Spend as little as possible. Eat as little as possible. And all will be right with the world.