Just when I start to feel OK again something always seems to knock me down. It doesn't take much. Not really. My friend D gave me a much needed pep talk yesterday in regards to my money anxiety and feelings of inadequacy. I have this incessant desire to try to pay hubby back for his generosity which is virtually impossible because I am poor. This makes me feel guilty, then I hate myself and feel totally worthless. I start to become irritable and shut down inside and the downward spiral continues from there. Hubby loves me. I may not contribute to the relationship financially, but I do my best in other ways. I know this but I can't stop these anxious feelings and negative thoughts for some reason.
So, we are going to be house hunting soon and I was all excited when I heard that the tax credit would be extended which would actually give us time to take advantage of it. Then, I did a little more research and discovered that we won't qualify as first time home buyers because I own property. Because I am his spouse and own property already we won't qualify for the credit.
I am so stupid. Not only did I buy a place that was way too small for two people to live in, now it is actually going to prevent us from receiving $8,000 from the government when we look for a bigger place. Granted, I bought that place 4 years ago before I met him, but still. I can't get anything right for us can I?
I am so afraid that I am going to be the one mistake in his life that will ruin his so far charmed existence. He is cute, smart, happy go lucky, has a great job, and in general just kind of tends to be lucky in the lottery of life. If he wants something he can usually get it. Good things tend to fall into his lap. He doesn't have to struggle and claw only to end up with mediocrity like myself. When we first met I was so afraid of ruining his life that I pushed him away. I told him straight out that he shouldn't be with someone like me. That he deserves a brilliant shiny woman just like him. One with potential and all kinds wonderful things to offer. What does this amazing, young, successful man need with a depressed, miserable looser such as myself? Well, there are days when I absolutely can't find a good answer to that question. The only thing I feel good at is being a burden.
I have married someone who is "out of my league" in every way that I can think of and I live in fear of being this huge disappointment to him. I don't want him to look back one day with regret and a realization that his life was going just fine until he met me and that he could have done better. I don't want to be his one mistake.
Since the day I met him I have been happier then I ever have in my life. I have been riding this wonderful wave of hope for the future and delight at loving and being in love that I never thought could be mine and it has felt so amazing. We had this whirlwind courtship and then he had to go overseas. Now that he is coming back the reality of everything is hitting me. We have decisions to make. Things to do. A future to plan. He is a wonderful reality, but I am afraid of how that looks with me in the picture.
What made me think that I could put my depression and issues behind me and move forward with this wonderful man and live happily every after? What made me think I could be normal?
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