Hangin' In There

I'm hanging in there. I didn't cry yesterday for the first time all week so that's good. I looked up counselors that I can go to via my health plan and have that information on hand at the ready in case I feel like I need it. I made a list of things I am anxious about that I want to discuss with my hubby when he comes home. I have considered the possibility of getting a 2nd job after the holidays to make some extra money. Exhausting concept but I don't know what else I can do. I have a plan. I have lists. Somehow that makes me feel in control and helps my anxiety. At least for now.

There is a fit model casting that I put in for and was asked to come in but you need to have a flexible schedule in 4 hour blocks during the week so that won't work. Too bad, because it pays $50 bucks an hour. The most I can expect to make at a 2nd job is probably what $8.00 per hour at the most? If any promo opportunities come up I'm going to take it. They pay double that and if I can get enough of those maybe I won't have to work at Blockbuster, 24 hour fitness, or a mall bookstore which is what I was going to try to do.

I am going to try not to stress out so much about money because I know that ultimately it's going to drive not only myself crazy but also hubby. I expressed my concern about renting out my place. I probably can't charge what I actually pay in mortgage making a deficit of about $165 per month that I will owe monthly on a place I don't live in plus paying my share of the mortgage where we do end up living. The disaster it would be if there were no renter for even 1 month. He says he'll help if he has to but that's my other issue. Extreme independence. I don't want him to have to help me. When conversations get a bit negative he usually changes the subject or just stops talking about it. He is such a non worrier that I don't think he knows what to say when I am stressing like this. I just need to teach him how to "deal" with me. I need him to get a little opinionated with me. Get a little tough and tell me how it's going to be and that everything is going to be OK.

When I went to bed last night my stomach was growling. Loud. I can deal with that but when hubby gets back that's not something that will go unnoticed. When I went to visit my sister earlier this year she slept with me because her husband was snoring really loud. So, she comes in my bed and instead of snoring she hears my stomach growling. When it gets like that it is loud and repetitive. There is a growl every 3 seconds like a machine and holding my breath or turning over does nothing to stop it. In the morning she was like, "Was that your stomach growling all night?" We didn't discuss it but she knows I have issues so she likely knew why.

I was just hungry yesterday. Coffee, Pbj, RF cheese its, LF Granola bar, Lt Yogurt, Lean Cuisine (375 c/12 f!!!), RF String Cheese, and an apple. I am not writing my cal's down anymore but totaling this up: 1,170. Down .5 from yesterday. It's crazy because I used to eat so much less then that AND exercise my butt off the last time I was at this weight. Now, I am a lazy bum who has been to the gym 1 time this year. I think my metabolism was just destroyed. Part of me wants to push for 110 just because I'm so close but I don't really want to get into that whole mindset. If I get to0 extreme I just might kill my metabolism again and only make things worse.

Tonight I am going out with the girls for a friend's B day. You know what that means? Food and drinking! I've already checked out the menu of course and was pleasantly surprised to find full nutritional info. I can stare at those things for hours looking at how much calories each thing has. Good thing too, because I thought French Onion soup sounded healthy but it's NOT. What have they done to all their sandwiches that they have so many calories? I'm thinking Margherita Pizza (@2 slices only) or a side caesar salad w/Thai Peanut dressing on the side is my best bet. Maybe the grilled chicken caesar w/the Peanut dressing but once I add one Tbsp of dressing then the calories are kind of high. But, then again I will not have eaten hardley anything all day so it should be OK. It's just lettuce and protein right!!

I've decided that when I go out it's gotta be one or the other. If I want a more substantial meal then I can't drink. If I want some wine or a beer then I can't eat much. I just have to be careful because if I am going for a buzz I have to stick to hard alcohol. Less calories and does the trick faster but I do NOT want a hangover. We are going downtown where drinks are expensive so it's not like I'll be able to buy too many anyways. My stomach is usually so empty that I feel buzzed off of just one glass of wine anyhow. I am feeling confident that I can go out and still maintain my willpower. Let's hope I'm right.