OK. So I have come to the official conclusion that I DO NOT have an eating disorder. I am not going to say that I never did because I do think that for a moment back in 2004 things had gotten a bit obsessive although I didn't even reach my lowest weight until 2005. Anyhow, the point is that I have seen what an ED looks like and I didn't look like that. I have read their diaries and they are extreme. I am not afraid of food I just don't want to eat too much of it. Certain things are off limits for me but I am not "afraid." I am really not sure how I'd feel If I ate a 2 cheeseburger meal with fries from McD's because I won't let myself do it. Does that mean I am afraid of that meal? I don't vomit and while I have toyed with lax and diet pills in the past it was only occasionally. I eat in restaurants. I didn't black out every time I stood up nor have I ever. I did used to feel very crappy, tired, and headachy, and lightheaded much of the time but that's it. I've fainted a few times but nothing major. When I go to the doctor no red flags are ever alarmed. I do have a secret desire to be emaciated although I have never done what it would take to get there and I know how unhealthy it is. But if I did it just once I'd know I could do it. Sick I know. I am going to have to chalk it up to obsessive dieting and restricting. That's it. I know it's not normal based upon what I see around me with people at work and my friends etc but I also know that it is not an ED.
On another note. I am up to my highest weight that I've been at for a couple months now. I have gone down as low as 116.5 in the last couple weeks and now I am at 119. It started with happy hour at El Torito. I just said screw it and I munched on chips and had a casadilla. Of course the beer too. I was up to 118 a whole pound over night. So, I tried to fix it yesterday by not starving but eating minimally. So, yesterday I had some pretzels, good and plenty, carrots, ham subway sandwich, and a piece of string cheese. About 900 something cal's for the day. What is my reward? Up to 119 today.
So, I don't really know what to think. I do know that around my period (when I stop taking those fat pills) I will loose and continue to do so into the next week. Then, slowly but surely the pounds start creeping on without me having hardly any control over it. So, maybe I can fix this when my period comes next. What do I do in the meantime though?
Well, I am going to restrict as I normally do but try not to starve because I have found that often that only makes things worse. Did I eat too few calories yesterday? I don't know. When my body is in fat mode it seems to do whatever it wants no matter what I eat or don't eat. Gaining because I ate a lot I can understand but gaining on 900 cal's I don't. That is when I start to feel out of control. I feel very fat and retched inside. That is what usually leads me to resolve my willpower to restrict even more and then I end up writing in here because I feel so confused.
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