Thought My Scale was Broke

The morning I left for vacation I weighed in at 133.8.  The day after I came back I was exactly 133.8. I thought my scale was broken.  Surely I could not have possible gained zero pounds in 9 days of vacation plus one extra day where I ate a chicken casadilla from Chipotle instead of the healthier steak or chicken bowl that I usually get.  My husband wanted Chicken casadilla so I got one too, and it was good.  On vacation I ate when I was hungry and stopped when I was full.  I turned down the ice cream one day not because of the calories, but because I was genuinely not hungry for it.  I got some a different day.  We did one hike, but no intentional exercise to speak of.  I didn't even bring tennis shoes; just my Keen's.  There was a burger with fries, and pizza.  Twice.  I spent two days drinking wine on the beach all day.  On the last day I ate almost an entire sleeve of Low Fat club crackers by myself at the pool, and we ate out for lunch and dinner.  Now that I'm back exercise didn't feel like it was about making up for anything or undoing damage.  It was just exercise, and that felt good.  I worked out Sunday Legs, Monday Abs, and Tuesday Upper Body. Wednesday I took a day off because I think 5 days a week is good enough. Today I'll do Total Body, Friday will be off and then I'll do Abs Saturday to finish off week 10 (of 12) Healthy Body Guide.  Maybe my incessant exercise and severe diet had gotten to the point where it was doing more harm than good causing inflammation, which can lead to water retention.  I got my grocery shopping and meal prep done on Sunday.  My body responded well to indulgence, so I'm going to play it by ear and see how it does with allowing a little more carbs fat and less protein.  Yesterday I ate three slices of bread (with Peanut Butter) for breakfast instead of two because I was hungry, ate 1,655 calories, didn't work out, and maintained 132.3 two days in a row.

Hawaii was awesome.  Vacation was awesome.  My little sisters wedding was awesome, and it was cool meeting the in-law half of the family.  The $40 casual dress was perfect.  The $150 dress fit my mom so she'll be wearing it to a formal event next month.  In exchange she bought me this (seriously overpriced but really good quality) $60 long sleeved shirt with a hood that we both fell in love with but didn't want to pay $60 for.  I was willing to just give her the dress, because my big thing was I didn't want money wasted, but she offered to by the shirt and then after she left I bought one for her in the color she liked.  I'll surprise her with it next month.  Having a big trip like that with my entire family was awesome.  I think it's the first time we all were on vacation together.  Ever.  I mean a real vacation, not a road trip to Mexico or an 8 hour drive to visit family.  And I can't remember the last time all of us did that because there are 15 years between us three sisters.  There was typically only two of us family road tripping it at the same time. For the first weekend of the trip we were all staying in the same villa right next door to each other.  My parents stayed with us in our beautiful 2 bedroom ocean view hotel during the last half of the trip.  Everyone else dispersed to different hotels all within 1 mile.  As much as my dad gets on my nerves I love them both and it was wonderful having them there.  Hubby and I stayed the longest. I cried when I said good-bye to my parents.  I cried when my older sister and nephew left.  My little nephew is just the sweetest little boy and I have no idea when I'll see them again.  My niece is an absolute doll.  She's a fussy baby, but when she'd let me I held her and gave her so many kisses.

I got some really good pics that I still need to go through.  Hardly any that include me.  This is always the rub.  Hubby decided he hates being in pics so we got exactly 5 pictures together.  Only 1 with the DSLR, the rest were cell phone.  He says he doesn't mind taking pics, but I can't get him to take any. He did really good at the wedding because I asked, and I was in it so I couldn't do it myself, but if I ever want a pic ever, with the good camera I have to ask, and then it is basically this cheesy posed pic. Meanwhile, I have all of these wonderful candid shots with splendid backdrops of everyone else. Looking back on pics you would hardly even know I was there half the time.

Hubby was a trooper.  He got here 1 1/2 days before we took off and flew back to Germany 5 hours after we arrived home.  I finally said something to him on the first day in Hawaii about how I don't feel emotionally supported.  I certainly felt better afterwards having got my feelings out, but I don't know if anything really changed.  He said he was sorry, and that he didn't mean to make me feel like he didn't care, but I still sensed a disconnect.  We did not have sex.  There have been plenty of other times where we didn't and it had been a long time, so I'm not too worried about that part of it.  He was jet lagged to all hell and back, I had insomnia, and then I did sleep good there but we were staying with family for most nights.  Vacation is fun, but exhausting.  There were a total of 5 night that we could have and we were tired for all of them.  There was not as much kisses, and I love you's and snuggling as usual. I just felt as though we were both defensive, and kind of grating on each other's nerves in ways that we don't usually.  I felt like everything I did was irritating him and it made me super self conscious of my actions and words and if it might be bugging him and that hasn't ever been a thing I felt with him before. Then I spiral into this horrible thought process where I think I'm the worst wife because I nag him too much, I'm not super smart, terrible in the kitchen, overwhelmed by technology, and in general a big chicken.

I feel terrible that he will be on his own in another country for Thanksgiving because I only get 2 work days off and it falls just before the biggest workload I have all year.  How can I fly to another country for only 4 days including travel time?  I could take at most one extra day...and don't even get me started on the prices that time of year.  My airline ticket to see the parents is costing me $400 bucks (thank goodness I have a 50% off voucher) and that is just one state over. He wanted me to come so bad, and now I can't help but wonder if he even cares anymore that I'm not. And he sacrificed so much energy to make sure that he would still make it for my sister's wedding even though he got transferred out of the country at the last minute.  He had to do a lot of finagling and that is a lot of travel in a short space of time.  He told me he was really close to telling me he couldn't come.

Is my marriage in trouble?

I don't know.  It could be the distance, although, this is not our first rodeo.  It could be all in my head, or it could be that he isn't happy.  In 8 years together it's been relatively easy.  Not perfect, but to this day I still don't think we've had an actual argument.  The biggest problem our relationship has faced was his Destiny addiction, and we worked it out.  We just don't have that many issues beyond the annoying little quirks about messy vs neat that anyone who lives together deals with.  I've felt anxious about if he loved me before or not, as I tend to do so it could just be more of that.  I won't see him until December.  We've exchanged a few texts since he left Sunday. He hasn't asked about how I'm doing or what I'm doing or anything really, but he's working hard where he's at and just came off of some serious travel.  I can't make everything about me.  I still love him to pieces, even if I'm not the best wife I can be.  There is more I could do...more I will need do.  I don't want to lose him.

Weird incident on the plane ride home.  I woke up from a fitful sitting up uncomfortable sleep and thought I was going to throw up.  I searched for the barf bag in the front seat pocket just in case.  My face felt tingly and I was hot.  I had to take my jacket off and I could barely sit still.  Hubby noticed this going on, and he asked for a water.  I had to have him turn on my air vent and remove the blanket and pillow from my lap because I was boiling.  Not sweating.  Just hot.  I drank the water with a shaky hand and my throat felt tight and sore as I swallowed.  A medical crisis is bad enough let alone while you are trapped in the air.  I had no idea what was going on but hoped it would pass, and it did. Maybe 5, 10 minutes later?  As soon as it did I was instantly cold again.  I had hubby turn off the vent and I grabbed the blanket.  There is no way that was all in my head.  My body temperature definitely changed during whatever it was that was happening.  It was so weird and scary.  I leaned into hubby and grabbed his arm.  He grabbed me right back and we kissed.  A real kiss.  And a real snuggle. Then I tried to go back to sleep because a red eye flight is one of the most uncomfortable things to suffer through and it sucked.

I came back to a crap load of work and Insomnia.  I don't know how you dream when you don't sleep, but I seriously had to wake myself up from this horrible nightmare I was having last night where bloody exotic animals like monkeys and tigers chasing me.  I know I was up at 3 am because when the text came in from hubby I heard the ping tone and even replied right then...because I was just laying there.  I have lavender and magnesium on the way, and a doctor's appointment scheduled for next month.  I feel physically ill from sleep deprivation.  I can't go on like this.