Insomnia

Darn.  I usually get in at least one post per month.  Anyway.   

What have I been up to the last two months?  Mostly work and working out.  That is basically all I do.  On weekdays I work, workout, shower, eat, watch a TV show and go to bed.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  On the weekends I workout, clean house, though not as often as when my husband is home, meal prep and do errands.  That's really about it.  I have had some fun outings with friends which has been nice.  We go to the movies, have drinks, have dinner.  Two weekends ago a bunch of us went to brunch and a play.  I am seeing these girls a lot more since there is no one at home waiting for me. 

I've been freaking out over my weight over the last two weeks even though I promised myself I would stop.  I retained some serious water off and on for about two weeks.  Just when I thought it was going away it came back.  I've been flip flopping between 133 and 134 maintaining my 9 lb weight loss.  When the water retention hit, it was 134 and then it crept up to 134.9 then 135.4!  I knew it had to be water retention, but I still have a hard time not letting it upset me...especially before I go on vacation.  I start thinking that I'm going to gain all the weight I lost and that I'm destined to be fat and there is nothing I can do about it after all.  I worry that the scale will go up and up every week the way it used to.  In all vacations past I've worked out like a demon up until the last minute, but I'm not doing that this time.  My body needs a break.  I finished out week 9 (of 12) of the Healthy Body Guide last week and then after that it was just going to be whatever.  Even though I was feeling bloated and fat, I stuck to the plan and just walked Sunday and Monday.  I am not doing exact macros either because I'm not meal prepping for half a week.  I did healthy take out 3 nights in a row, although, I do need to remember that too much beans is not good for my belly.  I think it only exacerbated the retention.  I picked my husband up from the airport yesterday so did nothing, and there will probably be nothing today because I'll be too busy packing and stressing about packing.  Despite last nights carne asada tacos for dinner I was down 1.1 lbs today.  The water retention broke and I've been running to the bathroom a lot more than usual over the last few days. 

I'm really liking the Healthy Body Guide.  I've been doing 5 days of HBG circuits, and one day of treadmill cardio per week.  It is much cheaper than BBG, but with the same circuit style workouts and same time length.  It is challenging, but so much easier on my knees that I can do these workouts long term and then sprinkle in BBG to challenge myself even more. Some days I feel better about my body than others.  There are days I look in the mirror and feel good about the progress I've made, and other times I feel huge and mourn my old skinnie minnie body.  I've dipped down to 132 a few times, but as is it's looking like my body naturally doesn't want to go any lower than where I'm at without resorting to extreme measures, which is not an option.  I'm able to get into more of my pants, but I'm trying to be accepting of my body of how it is.  I may never get into those skinny jeans again.  I may never have a full thigh gap again.  There are certainly worse things in life.

My biggest issue right now is Insomnia.  I've not been able to have a good night of sleep for the last 2 1/2 weeks.  I can't get into the deep REM sleep that you need to feel like you slept.  I've tried melatonin and Valerian Root.  The melatonin worked...a little.  I got drowsy and I think it helped me snatch a few hours of sleep, but still not restful.  The Valerian root...not really...and it stinks so bad.  It's got the worse smell.  I'll be trying Magnesium and Lavender oil next.  On the weekends it's not as bad, but during the work week I am so sleepy I feel nauseated and every hour drags on and on.  Working out has been non negotiable for so long that I still did my workouts but I'm barely hanging in there.  My last bout with Insomnia was last year and it lasted for months.  I got through it with sleeping pills until my body adapted and they stopped working.  I haven't been using them lately so I don't know why they won't work now.

The husband is home.  He's been gone since July 31st and it's so good to see him again.  Within a few hours of being home he had already fixed the leaking sound in the toilet and left the lid of the hamper off.  I'm still not sure why it's so hard to put something in there and then cover it up again, but he is literally only home for a day and a half so I'm not saying anything.  We head to Hawaii tomorrow and then he has to leave again the day we get back.  I just want to enjoy every second together.  I am so glad this trip worked out.  It is my little sister's wedding and I was so sad thinking that he might not be able to come.

I am so glad to see him, but I also feel a little bit frustrated because as much as I love him to pieces he can be really emotionally vacant and unsympathetic.  It's hard for me to deal with sometimes, especially when I've been missing him so much.  He's back, and yet I still feel like he won't connect with me.  We've discussed it before.  It's things like, he'll ask me how my day was and then not listen to my answer.  Basically, he wanted me to say fine, because when I elaborate and tell him some things that are going on around the office he doesn't interact or acknowledge that I'm speaking.  It's like talking to a brick wall, and I've told him that before too.  It's like I have to teach him how to communicate with me.  He was telling me all about his dad's visit and different things going on while he's been away.  I ask follow up questions.  I react and respond to things he's saying, but I don't get that in return.  He says he's listening, but how do I know that when I say something and he is completely silent?  When I mention that I've had insomnia for 2 1/2 weeks he says nothing.  There is no empathy whatsoever.  No, I'm sorry, or bummer, or I hope you can sleep tonight.  Nothing.  He tends to have no empathy for anything negative.  Sometimes I just want to feel emotionally supported and I get nothing from him.  It makes me feel lonely, like he doesn't care.  I feel like I am on my own with my problems, and I shouldn't feel that way because I have him.  Like, I am so so exhausted.  I can barely see straight and its upsetting that I can't sleep for weeks but he won't even acknowledge it.  When we've been apart for a while it's even worse then usual.  He is a man, and he works with men.  When he's away, it's like he forgets how to be kind and nurturing towards me.  I'm a girly girl.  I need that.  He says he just doesn't know what to say, so I tell him just say Okay and nod your head and make eye contact to let me know I've been heard.  I know he cares about me, but being ignored doesn't tell me that.  I'll probably mention it to him if it continues to bother me, and if he doesn't do better.  I don't want to spend our time together not wanting to talk to him about anything to avoid being ignored, because that's what happens.  I don't want to tell him about my day, or that I'm excited about this or that, because when I do he ignores me and it hurts my feelings.  He's always willing to try when he knows that something is bothering me.  I just have to speak up.

Don't even get me started on the bike thing.  All I'll say is that he wanted his bike shipped internationally, but didn't do any of the research on how much or what the size requirements might be.  It was just, I want my bike, have my friend take it to this bike shop, make it happen.  I spent three weeks making phone calls, e mails, researching, and facilitating the process for getting him his bike.  I had to coordinate with his friend to pick it up, a bike shop that would dismantle it, and ultimately a bike shipper that I found online after the USPS refused to take the box.   I put a lot of time and effort into it.  He may have texted a thank you at the beginning, but three weeks and many setbacks later, he only said thank you after I expressed frustration about him being short tempered and impatient when I was doing the best I could.  It was just, what's going on with the bike.  So what now?  It was such a hassle and that's fine, but help me help you by letting me know you appreciate my efforts.

My older sister and I are in the wedding, but it's very informal.  She told us to get whatever we want in blue.  I got one, that was $80 but I didn't like it, so I returned it and looked for cheaper options that I might actually like online.  I should have stuck with that dress.  Long story short, I ended up ordering six different dresses online before I ran out of time.  I broke down and went to David's Bridal and spent $150 on a dress, but when I picked up my special order in the size and color I needed it didn't fit.  Yes, I tried it on in the store.  So, I'm wearing one of the six dresses that didn't work.  It was more casual then I wanted, but so cute I was going to keep it and bring it with me to Hawaii anyway.  It was only $40 bucks so I could have stuck with that one and been fine too.  Unfortunately, I pursued the perfect dress and it is a final sale so I threw $150 in the trash.  I may try to sell it, but even if I do I will take a loss.

I need this vacation so bad.  I am exhausted.  Physically and mentally.  I'm sure we will have a wonderful time, as we always do.  I am so excited to get to relax and spend time with hubby and family.  This will be wonderful break from work, macros, real life, everything.  With any luck, I'll even get some sleep.