We didn't have time to meal prep like usual so on Tuesday I ate my normal breakfast, and a Jerk Chicken Freshly meal for lunch. I did a HIIT treadmill workout after work. My husband was sweet enough to go to the grocery store after work and prep some chicken and broccoli so by the time I got back from the gym I was able to eat my usual dinner and still hit my macros for the day. I was even more shocked to weigh in at 134.0 Wednesday morning. Last night I did a Bikini Body Guide Legs workout and woke up this morning at 133.2. My mouth dropped. Like really? 2.6 lbs lost in 2 days? How? I definitely don't expect the 133 to stick. The first time I see a new low it usually doesn't, but I might be able to hold onto 134 something and if nothing else it means I'm firmly established at 135 or less and I am so relieved. I can't even believe it. The other interesting thing is that my husband waited a day to weigh in and he gained 2 lbs. I remember when he always gained less then me and would always take it off faster when I was in my ED days and here I am gaining less and losing it faster then him. A man!! Granted, he hasn't exercised at all, but still. I think I've finally got my metabolism fired up and burning hot. My body did not hold onto the extra food while I was on vacation , and is now responding very well to the lower calories of my normal meal plan. Seriously. This is a miracle.
This was my first time away from my meal plan and exercise routine in 6 months and I was terrified that all of my progress would be undone. It's happened before, and I have worked so damn hard for every single pound that I don't know if I could handle having it all go away. Losing weight the "right" way is really REALLY HARD. Not everyone has the willpower, but in my opinion starving it away is much easier. The difference is that losing the right way is maintainable and losing the wrong way screwing up your metabolism in the process is not. Well, actually you can maintain it, but only if you are willing to be very sick, weak, and/or die. Those weren't options for me. I'm not starving. I'm not retaining water. I'm going poo. My metabolism is not fighting diet and exercise. My body is working and it is such a relief after struggling so terribly for 2 1/2 years. It feels amazing to be at this point. I don't want to get too excited. I still live in fear of weight gain after seeing the scale go up and up with no end in sight for so long, but at the same time it feels great to finally allow myself to feel hopeful that I can lose weight and that I can be normal. The thing about it is that it's no miracle. It was just good old fashioned diet, exercise and hard work.
My parents are in town visiting and it's the first time I've seen them since February when I was 8 weeks in. I was still stuck at 143 and hadn't lost a single pound. I made a point not to mention to mom that I had finally lost weight because I wanted to see if she would notice a difference. Well, she didn't comment, but she did say she noticed after I told her. Normally, when you tell people that you lost weight they smile and get very excited for you. "Mom, I lost 8 lbs. I finally lost weight." Technically as of today it's 10 lbs but I'm only claiming 135 for now. No smiles, just a stare and a serious face. And when I told her that I would like to lose five more she just shook her head. My Dad tried to say, I was already skinny, but I am not skinny and that is definitely an exaggeration. I get it. In her eyes me loosing weight is flirting with disaster. She's seen me thinner than ever and starving and then dealing with the fallout. It makes sense for her to not have the usual reaction, but I have assured her that I will not take it too far. It appears that my body is finally allowing me to lose weight but I am determined to be reasonable. My goal is to get to 130 or 125 at the lowest and then maintain from there. I've seen the damage that can be done. I've crashed my metabolism not once but twice! I am not going through it again.
I never expected exercise to become so addicting. I've always had a love/hate relationship with exercise. I dreaded the time and energy it took. I hated sweating out my hair. The only thing I loved about it was that it burned calories and that was my only reason for bothering with it at all. Even at my most disordered I tolerated it about 3 times per week and never imagined that I could do 5 or 6 consistently for this long, and yet here I am doing that without even thinking much about it. No matter how tired I am, I just know I'm going to get my workout in. It's become a habit and I think that's what it takes to actually get yourself to enjoy it. You force yourself to do it, and eventually it's automatic. It doesn't get easier, but you get get stronger and then before you know it your body feels like this fine tuned machine and you want to keep up all the strength and endurance you've gained. I love the challenge. I love the sweat. I love the feeling of pushing my body as hard as it can go. Once my joints warm up and I get going on the treadmill there is no pain and I feel like I could keep going forever. The endorphin high is a real thing and it feels amazing. The pain in my knees comes a few hours later. I can't get up from the toilet without knee pain after working legs. They've always been bad, and it's just something I have to deal with. I try to stagger the heavy leg days with ab and arm days and not overwork them so I can keep going. It definitely helps that I've finally figured out how to deal with my hair and still look presentable when I'm either washing it or co-washing it every day. I'm definitely ON the exercise wagon right now, but I know how easy it is to fall off. And once you fall off it's so hard to get back on so I'm going to ride this out as long as I possibly can. My butt and legs are so sore from my leg workout yesterday! Many a times in the past I would use that as an excuse to skip it, but not today. I would love to get in a 3rd cardio day for the week, but I'll have to settle for abs.
My parents are in town visiting and it's the first time I've seen them since February when I was 8 weeks in. I was still stuck at 143 and hadn't lost a single pound. I made a point not to mention to mom that I had finally lost weight because I wanted to see if she would notice a difference. Well, she didn't comment, but she did say she noticed after I told her. Normally, when you tell people that you lost weight they smile and get very excited for you. "Mom, I lost 8 lbs. I finally lost weight." Technically as of today it's 10 lbs but I'm only claiming 135 for now. No smiles, just a stare and a serious face. And when I told her that I would like to lose five more she just shook her head. My Dad tried to say, I was already skinny, but I am not skinny and that is definitely an exaggeration. I get it. In her eyes me loosing weight is flirting with disaster. She's seen me thinner than ever and starving and then dealing with the fallout. It makes sense for her to not have the usual reaction, but I have assured her that I will not take it too far. It appears that my body is finally allowing me to lose weight but I am determined to be reasonable. My goal is to get to 130 or 125 at the lowest and then maintain from there. I've seen the damage that can be done. I've crashed my metabolism not once but twice! I am not going through it again.
I never expected exercise to become so addicting. I've always had a love/hate relationship with exercise. I dreaded the time and energy it took. I hated sweating out my hair. The only thing I loved about it was that it burned calories and that was my only reason for bothering with it at all. Even at my most disordered I tolerated it about 3 times per week and never imagined that I could do 5 or 6 consistently for this long, and yet here I am doing that without even thinking much about it. No matter how tired I am, I just know I'm going to get my workout in. It's become a habit and I think that's what it takes to actually get yourself to enjoy it. You force yourself to do it, and eventually it's automatic. It doesn't get easier, but you get get stronger and then before you know it your body feels like this fine tuned machine and you want to keep up all the strength and endurance you've gained. I love the challenge. I love the sweat. I love the feeling of pushing my body as hard as it can go. Once my joints warm up and I get going on the treadmill there is no pain and I feel like I could keep going forever. The endorphin high is a real thing and it feels amazing. The pain in my knees comes a few hours later. I can't get up from the toilet without knee pain after working legs. They've always been bad, and it's just something I have to deal with. I try to stagger the heavy leg days with ab and arm days and not overwork them so I can keep going. It definitely helps that I've finally figured out how to deal with my hair and still look presentable when I'm either washing it or co-washing it every day. I'm definitely ON the exercise wagon right now, but I know how easy it is to fall off. And once you fall off it's so hard to get back on so I'm going to ride this out as long as I possibly can. My butt and legs are so sore from my leg workout yesterday! Many a times in the past I would use that as an excuse to skip it, but not today. I would love to get in a 3rd cardio day for the week, but I'll have to settle for abs.
It is so great to see how your way of thinking about the numbers has changed! You are doing so well, and are inspiring me more than ever <3
ReplyDeleteReading this made me happy! I'm so glad you're making progress. I wish I could get back on into the exercise habit & love it again like I used too.
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