Consistency Over Time

I'm down a total of 6 lbs since January and I'd call it a miracle except that is not a lot of weight for four months, and I know how damn hard I had to work for it.  My body is damn stubborn that is for sure.  No wonder I resorted to starving all those many many years ago in order to lose weight.  Starving is so much easier than this!  Certainly not healthier, and that is why it quit working for me.  Eating 1k wasn't cutting it anymore.  I dropped to 800 and still it wasn't cutting anymore and eating less than that was not gonna work long term either. My body said, uh uh.  I'm not letting you do this anymore.  I bottomed out.

For two years I've been fighting a serious battle of the bulge.  I always told myself that I could never, ever under any circumstances allow myself to become fat, but that was exactly what was happening and I was powerless to stop it.  Despite my best efforts nothing worked.  My body was determined to punish me for what I had done, but I should consider myself lucky that it wasn't worse considering all I put it through.  It kept going and doing everything I needed it to do; except  lose weight.  I could do cardio until my heart burst out of my chest.  I could liquid juice fast for five days.  I could give up all processed foods, sugar, grains, dairy, and basically just about everything but meat, veggies and fruit for 30 days.  I could cry and weigh myself a million times, but my body would not allow me to drop weight until I did what I should have done all along.

Eat.

Consistently eat well balanced meals with a sufficient amount of calories and macro nutrients.  Do not skimp on protein.  Do not eat what you think is enough calories, but probably a macro nutrient mess during the week only to skip meals on the weekends.  Do not skip a single meal or snack for a single day, because you cannot get away with it.  Your metabolism will know exactly what's going on an hang onto everything you put in your mouth thereafter and add pounds to the scale when you exercise for good measure.  It took a while to get it through my thick skull, but I'm finally doing exactly what my body expects me to do.  Nourish, not punish; and finally my body has started to yield.  For almost seven weeks my weight would not budge.  Not even an ounce, but after that fairly quickly I dropped three pounds and it has been extremely slow and mostly steady ever since.   It's not linear and I am still addicted to daily weigh ins. I may drop to a new low and then never see it again for a while,  but over time the lows are getting lower and the highs are getting lower.  It freaks me out, but it's much better than the dreaded lows getting higher and highs getting higher that has gone on for the last two years. 

I waited 2 1/2 months before I allowed myself a single cheat. More recently I have started allowing one cheat meal and one cheat desert a week, but I am going to start calling them treats instead of cheats because I'm not doing anything wrong.  So far, there has only been one day where I was totally off plan and that was because my husband and I spent a night away from home.  I skipped a cheat meal, so I could save that day for the cheat and then as soon as we got back I was right back on it.  I've been really surprised by the way my body reacts to higher than normal calories.  Before, I literally would blow up if I had a treat meal.  My body was desperate to hold onto everything, but now it's not such a big deal.  If it goes up, it's not much, and I've even had the scale go down afterwards.  That would never have happened before.

Consistency over time.  

I got past the wanting to quit phase at the end of April (around week 21 BBG) and now it is just part of my routine.  I am stronger.  My endurance is better than ever.  Cardio sessions used to be torture, but lately once my legs get pumping there is no pain, no cramps, and I feel like I could keep going forever.  The endorphin high is real.  You just have to be strong enough to get there.  I'm on Bikini Body Guide 2.0 week 22 of 24.  For those of you who don't know Bikini Body Guide 1.0 is 1-12 weeks.  I did that one last year, so for this round of BBG that makes 10 weeks down!!  I can't believe I'm almost done.

Patience.

One of the things that stands out the most is just how hard it is to get back even to the weight I was just a year ago.  It was still too high and I hated it, but now it is a struggle just to get there.  Oddly enough, my body looks better now then it did before at this weight.  It was always easier for me to cut calories, until it wasn't.  Even exercise wasn't working.  My body was fighting me so much in every way.  Probably because my diet still wasn't quite right; the pounds wouldn't come off and I gave up.   I finally understand that this is what it takes.  It's only six pounds but I worked so hard for them. I am terrified every time I step on the scale of gaining it back because I have waited so long for this.  Six pounds lost for me is not just six pounds.  It's two years of uncontrollable weight gain, emotional distress, bouts of manic exercise and dieting + four months of sweaty five day a week intense workouts, sore muscles, and near perfect nutrition. I have skipped exactly one workout and not a single meal.

I've been in the worst shape of my life these last two years.  The fat hoarding, your metabolism is ruined kind of weight is different.  It made my body sloppy.  I wasn't fat, but the layer of fat that had settled all over my body made my stomach rounder, my hips and thighs wider, and the muffin top situation out of control.  I hadn't ever really experienced straight up sloppy before, or known what it was like to actually need to lose some weight or tone up.  I was thick and muscular when all of this madness began.  I didn't really need to lose weight, but I desperately wanted to and so began the quest to be skinny.  I made it.  I was skinny for a really long time, but I never needed to lose weight, until after I became a skinnie minnie and had to gain it back.

The number on the scale is finally starting to catch up to the physical changes I see in my body.  After the first eight weeks of diet and exercise the boobs were the first to go.  Gone!  I have no boobs, but I never cared about them anyway.  My stomach got flatter.  Mind you, it was always flat and I still had abs, it had just gained a bit of extra thickness.  There was no change after the 3rd month of exercise (March BBG 13-16), or even mid 4th month (April BBG 17-20) but sometime towards the end of April, the sliver of space between my thighs started to make a comeback.  Not knees to crotch, and maybe it will never get there again, but knees to mid thigh is a good start.  My body fat has dropped 2%!  It doesn't happen over night, and it still feels impossible, but I'm nothing if not determined and disciplined when it comes to this.

I still can't fit comfortably into the skinny clothes I won't let go of, but the fat clothes I bought have definitely loosened up.  That's three pairs of jeans, one pair of denim capris, and three pairs of shorts.  That's what I've been working with.  I didn't want to buy much more, because I refused to accept that size.  Other than that, I still get by with skirts, dresses and leggings.  I have no illusions.  I look and feel much better, but at 137 lbs I'm still not skinny.  I have a ways to go and yet I have no idea how far I can go.   

My knees have had a few issues, but have been holding up and recovering pretty well after intense circuits or cardio allowing me to keep up with the workouts until now.  My right knee is acting up.  The fluid and tightness is in the back, and it hasn't gone away like it usually will with a few lighter days.  Leg day is usually Sunday.  I did the hardest leg circuit so far a little over a week ago and I must have pushed too hard because all that week it felt tight.  This week I skipped Sunday legs and went straight to abs and arms.  It was better, but not totally well and I could feel it, but did my leg circuit anyway, because I was feeling fat from lack of serious cardio.  Instead of running on the treadmill I walked the next day.  I walked so slow that a walk I do in 30 minutes took me an hour and still, it doesn't feel right.  This week was supposed to be four circuits, but I only did three.  Today is my normal rest day and I'm supposed to do the Total Body circuit tomorrow, but I think I'm going to do something I've only done one time all year.  Take two rest days in a row.  That's only four workouts this week instead of my usual five but if I don't rest the knee it won't get better.    I've been icing it, and foam rolling it.  I also ordered a heating pad that should be here tomorrow.   I really wanted to go hard these last few weeks.   I'll probably save legs for later in the week and fingers crossed that it will feel better next week.