And So It Goes

Thought I'd pop in just to confirm that I am still fat.  In fact I got 3 lbs fatter over the course of December.  That was awesome.  I even split the rear seam of my favorite and only pair of denim joggers that I've only had for about few months.  To be fair, it's because I plopped down into my husbands car like an elephant multiple times because my knees were hurting, but if those pants were looser it would never have happened.  So basically, it happened because I'm fat and it whether or not that is the only reason certainly doesn't help me feel any better about it.  I can't find ones I like anywhere now.

I gave up exercising in December.  I felt damned if I did and damned if I didn't as usual so I didn't stick to any kind of schedule and only got in a few runs that month.  I spent almost a week with my family at my parents house where I incidentally, didn't eat that much but still came back heavier.  I signed up for an Instagram challenge that started on January 3rd.  It's been two weeks of solid exercise five days a week and cardio three out of those five.  I about cried when she recommended I start at 1,500.  I was fine with the number, but was hoping for something different.  I've already tried 1,500 calories.  I was afraid my body would be hungry and I'd gain.  I was afraid this would be another person telling me I just need to eat less.  I went with it and after starving for a few days I e mailed her.  She bumped it up to 1,650 calories and raised the macros a bit, but by then I wasn't feeling hungry anymore and decided to stick with the 1,500.  The macros she has given me so far only get me to about 1,615 max anyway.  Almost two weeks of perfection and I have not lost a pound.  I haven't gained one either so that's a plus.

This is an 8 week plan of mostly lifting.  After this I think I will do two weeks straight of cardio only 5 days per week.  30 minutes each max, not the 1 hour sessions I used to do when I was skinny so as not to burn out my body and make it angry.  The idea is to do what I did when I was skinny for two weeks, but also eat.  I hope that will burn fat, drop weight and if it takes some muscle along with it that is fine because I have plenty of it.  Then I think I will go back into the strength circuits for 12 more weeks.  I will stick to the BBG schedule of 3 weekly circuits and at least one LISS per week and add more cardio including HIIT every four weeks.  I plan to essentially do BBG, but allow myself the flexibility to do a Jillian Michael circuit instead if I feel like it, particularly on arms day.  I would prefer a total body work out over arms because I already feel like the incredible hulk.  All my joints are completely filled out with muscle.  I miss my knobby elbows and pointy shoulders.  This puts me at about mid June.  After that I plan on doing about 2 weeks of Callanetics + cardio.  It's super old school, but supposed to be really good for tightening and toning.  I will be so burnt out on exercise by this point that I will need a slight break.

This takes me through June and if I'm still fat I plan on jumping off a bridge.  Totally joking, but I know that I will feel like it if I don't feel better about my body.  It will also be time to get rid of anything that doesn't fit once and for all.  I've kept a few things in my closet that I felt hopeful about getting into.  The super skinny minnie stuff is boxed up.  The only designer jeans I've ever owned gone.  I still feel really upset that I didn't at least enjoy being skinny while I was.  I had the thigh gap and I couldn't even freaking enjoy it.

So Christmas felt strange.  My entire family got together and it's the first time that my older sister has seen me this large.  We don't talk a lot anymore and when we do, I have not divulged an of this weight gain nightmare that I've been going through.  I last saw her the summer before when I could still kind of pass for skinny, but those days are over.  I'm certain she noticed but she didn't bring it up.  I've taken to making comments like, "Do I look like I'm on a diet?" and "since I'm fat now," so she knows I know I'm fat, and obviously she noticed, but it was not something that was discussed.

My husband was supposed to be leaving the country for a year starting early January, but he's still here with no word of when he will actually be leaving.  This is good and bad.  It's good that he's still here because I never wanted him to go in the first place.  It's bad, because it only prolongs the inevitable and now he won't be back until AFTER Christmas next year.  It is just going to extend the time away.  It is also bad because I am trapped in this emotional limbo.  In my mind this was the year to focus on myself.  Taking a class, exercising, meal prepping, learning to cook better.  Not that I can't do any of that with him here, but mentally I think I could use the space to work on myself alone and not having to be all happy when I feel so terrible about myself.  Also, he hasn't gone back to work since just before Christmas.  This makes me anxious because who knows when he is leaving.  Is he getting paid?  He says he got a paycheck, but I don't know how when he is supposed to be on military duty.  How long is he going to be out of work before they finally send him?  It sure does suck getting out of bed every morning while he slumbers.  I'm glad for him that he gets a break, but it makes me anxious.  Also, he has been playing about 8 hours per day of video games and it makes me feel alone even when he is here.  I am feeling disconnected when I should be enjoying every last day.  It's just kind of a weird limbo space for my head to be in.

I'm in this weird space where I don't feel like blogging or reading blogs.  I am seriously thinking about shutting down my other blog because I am invisible there and I don't see a point anymore.  I'm not enjoying reading blogs like I used to and the blog itself makes me feel bad about myself.  It doesn't bring me a sense of happiness and community like it used to now that everyone is out to make a buck and be the next big blogger.  I'm just blah