New Friend?

I was truly devastated about my manuscript and writing endeavors.  Thank you so much to everyone who commented to lift me up.  It was so obvious how upset I was.  I was down, but as always I'm glad to have that moment and those feelings documented to look back on.  I went home and cried in the shower and then cried some more and then dusted myself off.  I never spoke a word about it to my husband and silently vowed that regardless of what I decide to do with it that I will not mention my novel again to anyone.  I spoke to the lady who critiqued my novel and that helped a lot.  She went into greater detail about some of her critiques and why she felt that way.  She is also a writer who has made a business out of doing beta reads and editing.  She admitted to being harsh and says that's just how she is.  She has had writers yell at her and get really pissed off.  Anyway, she says she believes that my story is salvageable.  If it was a total scrap she would tell me.  I made some edits and have since had an unpaid beta reader read it.  I was terrified, but the feedback on that was actually pretty decent.  There are a few more changes I have in mind to make, but I know that my novel is not as good as the ones in the bookstore.  I'm not a good enough writer and my story isn't good enough to be traditionally published.  I think that's just the reality of it.  I haven't given up hope, but I need to be realistic with myself.

As stated in my previous post T is brilliant.  She is highly educated, smart, ambitious, published, award winning and very talented.  She is really nice and fun to hang around with too, but I've always held back from getting to know her better.  We have plenty of things in common.  Of course we do.  We chat easily and have no shortage of things to talk about.  We initially bonded over our movie watching obsession.  We like to travel.  We share a love of words and writing and are both kind of introverted; although she much more than I.  We started emailing and then exchanged numbers and started texting.  I went with it, because I have always had the sense that we could be really good friends.  Finding new friends that I genuinely like and truly want to get out of the house to hang out with is no easy task.  We have done double dates with our husbands for years now, but what I knew all along was confirmed last week on our first solo girls outing.  We are not on the same level.  I'm not saying that we can't be or shouldn't be friends, but my discomfort lies with this pervasive feeling that I am not who she thinks I am and therefore by default I am pretending to be someone I am not.

In a previous conversation we had about writing she mentioned that my not being pressured by an agent or deadlines to write my novel is a good thing.  "You have a successful career, and writing isn't your bread and butter so it can be a good place to be."  I'm not sure how she got the impression that I have a successful career much less a career at all.  I purposefully never speak much about my job around my husband's friends.  I don't even think she knows what I do.  My husband is pretty smart and successful so I think she just assumed.  I did not correct her.  On our girl date we were chatting at the bar and she was talking about a circle of friends from back home and a successful girlfriend of hers who is having a hard time finding a partner within that group but doesn't date much outside it.  "They have jobs, not careers.  They are content to go to work and then come home and watch TV or just go to happy hour.  They don't do anything.  No wonder her relationships don't work out.  I'm not like that.  I constantly want to be learning and doing more," she said.  I did not contradict her, but the reality of it is that what she said describes me and it was very clear that those are not traits she views in a positive light. 

T is working on her novel full time.  She is a full on creative.  She likes to take classes.  Crafts, extension courses, whatever.  This is all part of her continued process of growing as a person and a thirst for knowledge.  I don't have that drive.  The reality for me is that work takes a lot out of me and thus far I have found nothing I am motivated enough to do outside of that 45 hours a week.  Exercise is about all I can manage on a regular basis and sometimes even that is a stretch.  When my alarm goes off in the morning I drag myself out of bed and when I get home I am spent.  I get to together with girlfriends for happy hour after work here and there.  The weekends are filled with errands, housework, television, exercise, fun outings with my husband and relaxing as much as I can before I have to start up a new week.  I live for vacation and sleeping is one of my favorite things.  My job is just a job.  I am on no career ladder to speak of and will probably be doing the same thing 5-10 years from now.  I don't plan on pursing a masters.  I have (mostly) come to terms with how I am but I feel weird pursuing a friendship with someone who I already know might think poorly of me if she found out the truth.  Most of her friends are like her.  The one I met was a really nice psychologist with her own private practice.  She was really nice too.  I don't think she is a snob.  I just think she has certain standards for who she typically associates with and I'm pretty sure that I am not it.

I have written exactly one novel that probably isn't going anywhere and I write a blog that hardly anyone reads.  I can fly under the radar with my mediocrity, for a little while but if we become better friends that's not going to work after a while.  I still don't want to talk about work.  I am happy talk about her writing, but I don't want to talk about mine.  She is poised to do great things while my path in life is very linear and if I continue to pursue this friendship it's only a matter of time before she notices.  What happens then?