You're so Skinny

A few months ago in the gym locker room this lady randomly started talking to me and said I was so skinny and do I even eat.  I laughed and said oh, yeah.  I love to eat and I make sure to go to the gym so I can burn it off.  Last night I ran into her again and she says she's so jealous that I'm so skinny and what did I eat that day; and what do I normally eat in a day.  I'm not sure if that's weird or not.  So I'm sitting there trying to think on my feet which isn't my strong point because I don't want to tell her that all I'd had was 1/4 cup egg beaters with a slice of 18 calorie bacon in it with coffee for breakfast and 1/2 cup of fiber one cereal for lunch.  I started out with the truth for breakfast.  For lunch I told her that I normally eat big salads with grilled chicken and lots of veggies in it at work.  Then I told her I usually have a snack of yogurt and or granola bar before the gym and for dinner I eat whatever my husband cooks which is usually some type of protein and veggies.  Wow, you stay so skinny she says again and that she guesses that's why I'm at the gym too; to stay that way.

I could have told her the truth which is that I eat as little as I can get away with.  Breakfast is about 91 calories and lunch is usually under 200 if I'm doing it right.  Then for dinner I eat what my husband cooks if I have to but prefer to eat a sandwich and some fat free Pringles or less if I have the willpower then snack on things like cheese and apples when I'm not sneaking into the pantry for more tortilla chips and veggie crackers.  If I'm weak then I'll have something sweet  like candy or a piece of left over cake or some other such empty calories to keep my hunger and cravings at bay but not enough to feel full ideally keeping my calories between 800-1000.  The truth is actually embarrassing.  I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm hungry all the time because I'm trying not to eat.  That I feel like a fat cow and that I hate my body.  I wonder what she would have said if I'd just blurted out the truth.  I don't have an eating disorder but I know that my eating is disordered and I'm ashamed of it.  Ashamed that I'm so obsessed.  Ashamed that I have to work so hard at being skinny and that I'm still failing.  Ashamed that I love food as much as I do.  Not even my husband knows the full extent of the demons in my head and when my sister makes comments like, "Well, that's because you starve yourself." I don't acknowledge it.  Those words just linger in the air and then we continue on with our conversation. 

Anyways.  Thanksgiving was rough.  I had a nice time with my family.  It was the food part that sucked.  Up until that day I was golden and then I ate more then usual which for me doesn't even have to be a whole lot in order for disaster to strike.  I peed exactly one time on Thanksgiving day despite drinking water.  Friday I tried to redeem myself and stayed under 1,000 but the damage was done and seeing how I was retaining water AGAIN I knew it was a losing battle.  There was a social gathering on Saturday.  I went to town on the tortilla chips and had a little bit of wine but other then that I was just over 1k for the day but the horror continued.  I literally cried on Sunday morning when I saw the number on the scale.  Weeks of hard work and it's destroyed in a matter of days.  I went to the gym Monday; 630 calories.  When I got home and out of the shower my body was exhausted.  I can't do this anymore I thought.  I am just so tired of trying.  Back to the gym yesterday for another hour of cardio and I'm going again today.  I have to.  The scale I've been using to keep track said 117.4 this morning and the other one said 118.  I did all my little tricks on both and neither one budged.  I hate that.  I feel a bit uneasy because they were so far apart but regardless it's less then the 119.8 I saw on Monday so I can live with either.  I just like to know for sure. 

God I'm tired.  I am mentally and physically exhausted and I want OFF this crazy train of obsession with food and my weight but it never stops.  I want to stop screwing up because each time I try to undo the damage I become more and more worn out by the cycle.  There is no way out of this for me.  I'm not in any physical danger.  I'm not ill and I am so grateful for that but what that means is that I get to keep doing this.  I don't cross the line into illness so I don't feel FORCED to stop.  I WANT to stop but without any real motivation or negative consequences I don't feel like I HAVE to.  As exhausting as it is the thought of doing anything different scares me too much.  I keep hoping some day I won't care.  Please don't let me be in my fifties and still doing this.  Until that day comes this is what I have to deal with.