I made some bad decisions over the weekend. First let me back track for a moment to talk about the very first one I made since being back from Vacation. That night hubby went to McD's and they messed up his burger so he went back for another but they let him keep the old one. He asked me if I wanted the burger and the fries he'd already poured into the burger box and I said yes. I ate a double burger whatever the heck it's called. I've never eaten one of those in my life and I still feel like the biggest pig in the world for doing it that night. I knew much damage had already been done while I was on vacation but instead of stopping there I pigged out. The Saturday after we got back I went to a housewarming party and over did it then started fresh that Sunday to stay on track.
It was two weeks of being on track and then I messed up again over the weekend. On Saturday hubby and I met a couple out for dinner/drinks and then to go to a haunted house downtown. Hubby ordered an appetizer and it really was up to me to decide what to get or not get. What do I do? I order a freaking side of fries and I eat the majority of them. I thought hubby would eat more but still. What the hell? Why does a person who claims they want to lose weight order fries? Granted aside from a little snack during the morning it was all I ate for the day but STILL!! It's ridiculous. I had just dropped a pound over night because on Friday hubby and I went to the movies and I ate Pop Chips and Mike and Ike's for dinner. Although it's junk and put me at 1,300 for the day; which is HIGH it didn't make me gain. Sunday out to lunch with my mom and sister I ordered the Mimi's 3 course lunch special because the Cobb Salad was on it and that's what I usually get from there anyways with the fat free balsamic dressing. You get soup and a dessert. I got french onion soup and the dessert is a tiny scoop of Vanilla ice cream. I don't feel too bad about it because the portions of each was reasonable and it wasn't what I consider junk food. My calorie count for the day was 1,140 which still feels very indulgent but the food itself didn't feel like a bad choice and I didn't overeat.
My mom asked me if I feel like I gained weight while I was on vacation. I told her I don't feel like I did I know I did. She said my shorts that day seemed to fit good and that I look healthier and like my butt has filled out a little. My husband is telling me that my arm muscles are getting more defined and looks "healthier." Why do we hate this word so much? They think they are helping me by giving me a so called compliment and telling me that I look better but all it does is fuel the fire to lose so they can keep saying it all they want. I need all the motivation I can get to break out of this weight gain. Before I knew the numbers were going up but I never felt any difference in the way my clothes fit but since being back from vacation I can feel a slight difference. I do not like that at all. My clothes actually feel like they fit instead of being too big. They look good actually, but to me that means fat. The weight gain finally did catch up to me along with that four extra pounds I gained on vacation.
I'm so over it. I hate feeling guilty about everything I eat and over analyzing everything but I can't change these thoughts in my head. I can't change the expectations I have for myself. Average or normal weight isn't good enough for me. I have to feel skinny or else I hate myself and want to jump out of my skin. I still want to get back to 114 to start and then see if 112 is a possibility from there. I may or may not ever get there but I can't stop trying. If I could flip a switch to make 120lbs okay then I would. I hope some day I can be happy with 120 lbs or higher but right now I'm not. Right now my options are to try to lose so that I can feel comfortable in my own skin again or not try to lose and just hate my body. I wish accepting my body for what it is felt like an option but it doesn't.
I went to the gym Monday and Tuesday and did cardio. I've had a PBJ for dinner every day this week and snuck in candy too but in moderation. Two weeks ago I was 121, Monday I was 120 and today I am 117.6. I'm worried that I will be up tomorrow because I have been drinking like usual but I don't feel that it's coming right back out of me the way it should. If I'm retaining water then I will likely have a gain which will suck. It feels so good to be making progress and I don't want it to stop. I HATE water retention!!
Thanks to every one who commented on my last post about my mom criticizing my driving. I feel so much better. On my way home yesterday and driving today I tried to be acutely aware of the way I was driving and didn't feel like I was doing anything unsafe. Maybe she's just paranoid. Whatever.
Comments:
Kitty: The way I scared my husband was that I stood in our bedroom with the lights out and basically ambushed him when he walked in. I wanted to just sort of grab his hand and start kissing him but he reached for the lights and I reacted. I'll get better at initiating sex with my husband but for now it may not always turn out how I planned!
Anonymous: So, yes you understand completely but I think I should add more then maintaining being hard, I just don't get how to do it. I mean if I'm losing at 1100/day (with all the other stuff I said) then do I kick it up to 1200 to maintain? Or, is it just easier/better if I stay where I'm at, have a big day once a week and then have that to work off, as you call it in the gain/lose cycle? I'm also concerned that I'll mess with my metabolism so I'd like to keep enough weight on me that I'm not fighting to lose a pound or two if I need to. I'm freaked that I won't know when to stop losing.
I'm no expert by any means. Clearly! I think it's great that you are aware of your inclination to go too far and lose too much weight. That self awareness AND the ability to stop when you get there is what should save you from going down a very dangerous road. You've been as low as 96 lbs and don't want to go back there but would like to stay around 105-107. You say you are freaked that you won't know when to stop losing but it sounds to me like you do. You know that 96 for sure is when you need to stop. The plan that you described about building in a higher calorie day a week is basically a maintenance plan. Based on what you said 100 lbs (not 96 just to be safer) sounds like it should always be your absolute bottom like 112 lbs is for me. When you reach that bottom the goal of losing stops. So, the bottom line is that you will need to learn maintenance. When I got to my goal weight this was a very hard notion for me to wrap my brain around because for my whole life it was always lose, lose, lose. I really didn't want to go too low either so when it was time to stop losing I felt very lost, confused and scared. As for your range I think you should tell yourself that 105-107 is ideal but that 110lbs is where you know you have gone too high. A two pound weight range is tough because there can be so many fluctuations in weight that are just due to water so I think 5 lbs is more reasonable. For me, I wanted to be 112-114 but I knew if I get to 116 lbs that I need to ramp up the exercise and/or watch the intake. This way it helped me to not freak out so much every single time I get close to or exceed 114. My body doesn't respond exactly to calories the way I always think or wish it would so for me building in one higher calorie day just wouldn't work. I personally just have to use the scale as the guide and accept that I'm not going to be the same exact number every single day AND that the number will not always be going down. That's why a reasonable range is helpful. If you find that you are still losing then yes, you do need to increase calories and/or decrease exercise. If you see the number sliding up then you need to do the opposite. It's a very delicate balance. I was doing well with it for a while myself until suddenly my body just had a life of it's own and my willpower started to decrease. BUT-while I was in that perfect gain lose cycle within my ideal weight range it worked out very well for me and I felt very good about myself. I hope to get back there. As for metabolism if you are able to keep above 1,000 and still be in a lose or maintenance cycle I'd say that's pretty good. Everybody is different so I can't really say what it is for you but for me I don't feel that 1,000 is enough to destroy my metabolism. For me it's when I get closer to 800 and below that I start to worry that I am doing some real damage. That being said, 1,000 calories is still considered low and I do think that my metabolism has been at least slightly affected because I do restrict. I limit my calories lower then what my body really wants to keep at a size that my body probably doesn't really want to be. I feel like I gain on less then it should and that it takes a lot less calories for me to lose then "normal." We sound very similar in that we feel this need to be skinny; right on the edge of too underweight. We should feel lucky that we have this awareness about ourselves and that we don't yearn to be sick and ill in the hospital. We just want to be skinny. A lot of people may think that's wrong, unhealthy and that I'm evil for trying to give someone advise about how to be underweight. Unless you have that voice in your head telling you that you are fat just for being "normal" then you simply don't know what this is like. I hope this helps you out some. And, I wish you had a blog!! We seem very similar in age and mindset.
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