Fibroids and Defeat

I've come to the conclusion that I no longer have the ability to lose anymore "real" weight.  If you can't lose less then 5 lbs in 6 months on a super low cal diet it's probably not happening.  The sucky thing about this realization is that even though I know this I will continue to obsess about my calories and weight essentially without results.  Ideally, I would realize that I can no longer lose weight, quit stressing, quit trying and just let whatever happens happens.  I would lead the normal life of a non disordered eater that I've always dreamed about.  I would eat what I feel like without anxiety about what the scale will say the next day.  I would stop limiting calories excessively and not be overly concerned about the consequences of eating those full fat potato chips.  I'd be someone who doesn't care about being a size 2, my thigh gap or visible bones.  I'm not saying I would ever like to "let myself go" but just that I would like to be someone that doesn't worry about and track every single bite that goes into my mouth and is accepting of my body for what it is.  Even though I probably won't ever get to 112 lbs that's STILL not going to happen.  I will never be that person.  I still hope that maybe someday I will be that person but it's not happening any time soon.  I may not lose anymore but I'm still going to fight like heck not to gain.  I will continue to restrict, exercise and obsess because I haven't quite figured out a way to make myself stop caring.  The only difference is that I have mostly lost hope of getting what I want so that will sort of make the frustration of dealing with it all that much worse. 

Lately, to be honest I haven't really had that much of an appetite.  There have been times when staying in the 800's was a struggle but not so much these last couple weeks.  I haven't been all that hungry for the most part.  The crazy cravings and constant obsessing about food and what I will put into my mouth next has gone away over the last month or so.  My food addiction seems to have subsided significantly.  Lately, all I really want to eat is pretzels.  When the cinnamon rolls were in the house I ate them but I don't find myself constantly thinking about cookies, chocolate, peanut butter, bread and cheese and when I can get my next fix anymore.  At the fair I had my french bread pizza and split a donut with hubby and then even got some mini donuts on top of that.  I fully enjoyed them and I wasn't sad about not being able to eat more or even wanting anything else really.  On Sunday we went out to breakfast for Father's day.  I remember I used to feel bummed out that I couldn't just order the french toast like I really wanted and ordering the Fit Smart Egg whites, Turkey Bacon and toast was fine by me.  I didn't really feel like I was missing out.  Aside from the fair, I haven't been looking forward to dining out or social gatherings with excitement about all the forbidden foods  that would be there; of course usually mixed with dread because I knew I wouldn't be able to resist.  I'm going to Vegas this weekend and I'm not even thinking about what food I'll get to eat; I'm just dreading that I'll be out of my normal food routine.  I've even been doing better with my candy cravings.  I guess I'm just kind of "over it" right now.  It's just like "eh whatever."  My mentality when it came to eating out used to be that it was the ONLY time I get to eat good so I'd go hog wild.  That's not really been the case anymore for a while now.  I have gotten to the point where I allow myself treats and it really just took a long while for my thought process to catch up with that change.

I've also been having some issues with my fibroids lately.  They are basically benign tumors in my uterus.  It used to be just once a month usually right before my period that they'd bother me but they seem to be getting bigger and protruding more often which sucks because normally my tummy is flat as a pancake.  It sucks to have it be ruined by something that I truly can't control.  Laying on my stomach is uncomfortable sometimes and I am aware of them being there.  They pretty much make me feel bloated all the time, which makes my stomach rounder, which makes me feel like I'm already full which pretty much makes me not want to eat much.  And then, on top of that if I feel like I need to go poo then that just makes it that much worse.  I feel like a stuffed pig even if I haven't eaten.  I've really been milking it as an excuse to not eat real dinners at home.  Last week hubby really didn't bother me at all about what I was eating or not eating anyways, which was awesome.  I think he just hasn't really been motivated to cook and hasn't been that concerned about what's for dinner himself so that takes the heat off of me.  I've been saying that my appetite just isn't there and that it's because of the fibroids; which it kind of is.  Me being a disordered eater just adds fuel to the fire.  Hell, I might as well get something out of having to deal with the suckers.  What I really want is a hysterectomy.  That might sound crazy coming from someone in their 30's who has never had children but it would really be the best of both worlds for me.  If I have the hysterectomy and they leave my ovaries I will no longer have a period BUT I will not go into menopause AND my fibroids will be gone AND I won't have to bother with birth control.  My older sister had it done after she had my nephew laproscopically so it was minimally invasive.  I scheduled a doctors appointment for next month to see what my options might be.  Some people don't even realize that they don't HAVE to have kids.  They just think they are supposed to so they do.  My husband and I already know we don't want any.  At my age, I'm too tired to have children.  I barely have enough time and energy for myself.  We like our freedom; we like our life the way it is.  Financially, it doesn't seem feasible either.  People spend $800 a week on child care.  We do not have an extra $800 per month in addition to expenses of having another mouth to feed.  And we are not even that bad off, so I seriously don't know how people afford it.  The whole goo goo ga ga obsession that I had with my nephew when he was a baby kind of did fade a bit now that he's going on two making me think that maybe I just wanted that little baby.  But, when I saw him over the weekend he is just so precious and sweet even though he's spoiled and bad.  There are times when I think I want that but for the most part I realize that I don't want it bad enough because I'm not willing to deal with all the stress, effort and money that goes along with having a kid.

Anyhow, I'm just sort of "blah" right now.  I feel like a failure but I'm not overly upset about the possibility that I will never lose any more weight as it's been going this direction for a while now.  I'm sad of course but I'm just not letting it freak me out right for some reason.  I feel too tired and defeated to be upset. At least now the pressure is off.