Crappy Wife

So, yeah I blew it on Superbowl Sunday.  I ate 1500 calories and up the scale went.  Never mind how good I was doing for the past month.  You screw up one day and anything you did up to that point is gone.  I could have made healthier lower calorie decisions but didn't.  For some reason I'm not even that upset.  I don't even know why.  I guess it's just because either way I can't eat.  If I'm maintaining or if I'm trying to lose it's always about restriction, restriction, restriction and at least I'm more motivated to restrict when the number is up. I look the same.  My clothes still fit.  114.5 is horrible but I've been there done that.  I definitely don't like the number going up and it does suck but it's what I've been dealing with for a while now.  I've gotten used to damage control.  Not that I like it.  I'm not sure how much sense that even makes but it's a theory.

Yesterday I did a 60 minute boot camp class that kicked my butt then went straight to the gym afterwards for 30 more minutes of punishment on the elliptical.  I just needed to burn some more calories.  My legs were about dead by the time I got home.  Tonight I'm going to the gym first for Yoga then going straight to another work out at the studio.  I can barely walk but hopefully the Yoga will warm me up enough and loosen my muscles so I can make it through the class.  It's raining and dark out.  The last thing I want to do is be driving place to place and spending 2 hours working out but that's what's about to happen.  The plus side is that I get home late and it helps me get out of cooking or eating dinner.  Not that hubby ever has expected me to cook.  I'm not that type of wife.  But it helps me feel less guilty and when I got home late then when I say it's so late and I'm too tired to eat he doesn't hassle me so much.  I'm really going to have to deal with those issues.

I feel like such a crappy wife for not hardly cooking and for fighting him on food.  It's just such a predicament for me.  On the one hand I do all the cleaning so oh well if I don't cook.  Betcha he doesn't feel like crap for not helping with cleaning and laundry.   On the other hand he enjoys food so much, he cooks all the time for me and I feel like crap for not doing it.   As far as the eating part goes on the one hand I'm an adult and he needs to step off and let me eat what I want to eat.  Yes, I don't eat as much as the average Jane but it is my prerogative and I do not feel as if I am jeopardizing my health.  I try my best to get in healthy nuts, fruits, cheese etc.  On the other hand he loves food so I want to do better at sharing in the love and indulgence of it with him.  Not all the time...but lately I dodge dinner every chance I get and food has become a bit of a battle ground between us.

I came home at around 7:45pm last night after work and exercise and he asks me if I'll cut up the strawberries for his smoothies.  What?  I just barely walked in the door.  He's been home since 4ish; he did his work out but still.   All I want to do is take a shower, eat a snack and watch a bit of TV then go to bed and he wants me to cut the Strawberries that have been sitting on the counter for two days.  Random.  It's something that he doesn't even need help doing.  He tends to do that a lot.  We'll be in the same room together and he'll start asking me to do stupid stuff like bring me that coaster or can you put this book over on the counter.  And once he starts he just keeps doing it like I'm his personal assistant/maid.  He'll ask me to do all kinds of random tasks for no reason that he could totally do himself just because I'm there.  I usually do it even though it makes no sense but when I don't want to or get really annoyed inside about it then I feel like crap.  I've just been feeling like crap overall as a wife lately and it's not just because of this HOA madness.

I'm always the bad guy.  I get tired of asking him the same things over and over and over again.  How many times have I asked him if he could replace the paper towel and toilet paper when it runs out, please don't leave his shoes in the walkway because I don't like to step or trip over them, please stop using the joint checking account for your bar tab and if you do please just transfer the money without me having to remind you a million times, please transfer your monthly money over to the joint savings account without me having to ask over and over.  I also become agitated when he leaves his crap all over the house.  I'm seriously trying to work on this because I realize that it is likely something I'll never be able to control.  He is disorganized.  He is messy.  He is who he is and I love him anyways.  I'll do good for a while.  He'll leave the dishes overnight and I'll be okay.  He'll leave his sunglasses and keys in the middle of the counter, cook around them, then leave leave crumbs and mess right next to them because he usually forgets to wipe the counter.  I look the other way and don't let it get to me.  I will not nag.  I will not nag.  I don't say anything.  Then the items accumulate around the house, he uses the wrong card yet again, leaves the toilet paper with no roll or doesn't take out the trash.  Suddenly the agitation that I was trying to avoid is eating me up inside.  It's exhausting for me to be so annoyed over so many things.  Not only do I feel bad about being the one who has to be the reminder of all things, I feel annoyed by that role, then I feel bad for being annoyed at him.  It's just this cycle of agitation and it makes me feel so MEAN.

Wow.  This post just went off in some direction that I didn't even intend it too but that's okay because I think I needed to vent.  I love my husband more then anything.  He's a good guy so I'm trying so, so hard to work on myself so that I won't be annoyed at him all the time or be a bitch to him.  Which, I do a pretty good job of.  Most of the ugliness I feel is kept inside.  He doesn't know just how annoyed I am half the time and I try not to project my moodiness onto him.  I know I do things that get on his nerves.  I'd venture to guess not as many as he does that bugs the crap out of me.  He doesn't nag me but then he doesn't have to.  The nagging I do is because of what he's doing or not doing.  He rarely is bothered by anything and that makes me feel even more crappy!

I'm almost done with work and my exercise fun is about to begin.