Old Clothes

College Jeans

I have two bins full of old journals, high school mementos and some old pants that I finally got from my mom's. The old clothes were a mix of ones that had gotten too tight after I'd gained a bit of weight back and clothes that were a bit big.  I kept the small ones because they were super cute and I had some far away hope that maybe some day I'd fit into them again.  I kept the big clothes because I feared that I might gain even more weight and need to wear them again.  The big jeans are mostly awful and outdated because it's been a long time since I was that size and some of the pants that still look cute are simply too big.  My 0's, 1's and 2's Capri's and pants from American Eagle, Abercrombie, Aeropostale and Express that I'd starved my way into are still very stylish and now..... they fit again!!!  I'm so glad I saved them. So did the size 25 Seven Jeans that I couldn't bear to part with even though they were way too tight.  They looked tiny but I put them on and they fit like a glove.  I might have to cut them and make Capri's out of 'em because they were given to me by a short friend.  My size 2 Old Navy jeans are looking pretty good too.  They fit better then the designer ones I've been wearing.  Most of them have gotten baggy and loose.  I'm thinking this is before vanity sizing took over because I have more recently purchased 2's that fit looser then some of these older clothes.  These were my skinny minnie clothes and I was devastated when they no longer fit.  After I gained I started wearing a lot of skirts because I couldn't bear the feeling of fabric pressed against my body.  It made me feel so fat.  But, I'm back in 'em now.  Except this time I didn't starve my way into them.  Well, not exactly anyways. 

I've also been reading my old journals.  I started keeping a diary when I was 9 years old and basically never stopped.  Then, when I stopped writing it all down on paper I started doing it online so my whole life is basically documented.  It was interesting to read details that I'd long since forgotten about.  Oh goodness how I hated myself then.  I wrote how ugly I was and how fat.  I know I'm hard on myself but sadly, I really was ugly.  It was before braces, I wore ugly glasses, my clothes were awful and I just looked bad.  My face looked so round and chunky.  I wrote about what a loser I was, nobody liked me and I hated my life.  My sophomore/junior year was really miserable because I had this hard core crush on this boy who didn't like me back and I did not deal with it well.  My friends all had boyfriends and went to dances while I never did.  I was a cheerleader and my Sr year I made prom court but nothing I did was ever good enough.  I was so depressed and sad at such a young age.  I wanted to be happy so bad but it always seemed to be just beyond my reach.

I already had body image problems by the time I was 12.  I've felt fat as far back as I remember.  I was a gymnast (always the tall one) then later on in high school got I into cheer leading.  From reading my journals I discovered that at  age 12 I was 5'2" and 105 pounds.  I felt fat even though I can look back at pictures now and see that I was not.  At 12-13 years old my body fat percentage was only 8% and I could do 7 pull ups.  No way I was fat.  Then, at 13 I shot up to 5'4" and 110-115 lbs.  That number went up to 116 lbs.  Then, I got to 5'5" and 120 lbs.  Still not fat but you couldn't tell me that.  I found all kinds of hand written food logs, weight loss calendars and notes on my measurements that I'd written out on paper.  I found the very first one from when I really started getting serious about losing weight.  I'd gotten up to 147 lbs at my highest!!!!  Not fat but big and muscular.  I was always solid as a rock. At that point I lost about 14 lbs over a summer but I put it back on.   This weight loss didn't happen over night for me.  This has been an obsession for a long time but it wasn't until years later that it got drastic, sort of took over my life, and got me down to a 110 lb size 0.  I gained some after my metabolism crashed but now I'm right back where I used to be but a lot healthier.  Oddly enough I realize that I weigh about the same as I did when I was 12-13 except that now I'm taller.  I'm not even sure how that is possible.

I gained a pound over night.  I've been starving lately and there have been sweets at home since hubby baked brownies so I've given into my sweet tooth.  Still staying in my budget but it's about quality not just quantity. I'm starving and I'm going out to dinner tonight.  Not a good combination.  It feels counterproductive but I'm going to rush so I can get a work out in at the gym before we go.  It'll just be a quickie 30 minute one but it'll make me feel better.  I'm hanging onto my maintenance weight but barely.  I feel I'm going to have to give myself a kick in the butt to cut out the extra sweets and the snacking.  Oh, and the water challenge needs to happen very soon.  It's another long exhausting day for me.

I just noticed something.  208 Followers!!  It's taken me about 2 years to collect that many.  Which is fine because I don't blog to see how many comments or followers I can get.  I do this because I've been chronicling my life (average as it may be) since I was 9 and it's something I've always just wanted to do.  It is nice to know that there are people out there who want to read my babbling.  I don't claim to have an Eating Disorder but I know my behaviors around food and weight are not normal.  I've always just sort of felt like I was in no man's land.  I'm not Anorexic medically speaking.  I'm not sick enough, thin, enough, or disordered enough to have a "real" problem.  Where the hell do I fit in?  Here, I know that I'm not alone in this.  I am amazed at how similar I am to so many of you.  I can't believe there are so many others who share my obsessions about calories and weight and food.  It's been a great outlet to be able share thoughts and experiences that no one else in my life would ever understand.