Extreme Dieting

My metabolism has totally shut down before.  It happened a long time ago but it freaked me out to the point where I stopped focusing on ultra low calories as a way to lose weight.  I subsisted on 500 calories or less and worked out almost daily.  It worked but then it got to the point where I was literally starving and not losing anymore weight.  When that happens you have limited options and are basically screwed.

• Starve & maintain or gain weight:  Continue to starve and feel like crap just to maintain and remain the same weight day after day without much downward progress or results.  When you get so worn out and tired from prolonged  starvation you give in and eat just 700 calories instead of the usual 500 and still gain weight because your metabolism is shot.  You basically can't eat.
• Starve & lose weight and become severely ill:  Soldier on and continue starving because at some point the body has to give in and you will lose. You will also probably end up sick and non functional because the body can only go on like that for so long.
• Eat & Gain:  Up the calories.  Regain your strength, break through the fog, suffer through the inevitable weight gain and fix the metabolism.

I was isolated and depressed.  It filled me with overwhelming hopelessness and misery to be constantly hungry, weak and tired all the time yet not lose any weight.  I mean, without weight loss as my reward what was the point of all the suffering?  I didn't then nor have I ever had the luxury of simply not functioning.  There is work, bills to pay and too many things that need to be done.  I have always provided for myself and being as practical as I am I couldn't lose that much control over my life.  The writing was on the wall.  I had to eat more.  I did.  I gained.  It sucked.  My weight went up then sort of leveled out a little and when it got high enough to where I couldn't stand it anymore I started moderately restricting again and maintained at a livable weight that's higher then where I am now.  The bottom line is that not eating just doesn't work in the long run.  Not if you want to live and derive some sort of joy out of life anyway.  What is the point of being skinny if you are too sick and hard on yourself to see it or even enjoy it?  At some point there are two paths you can take.  Keep starving, get really sick and not gain or eat and gain.

When you have a slightly more generous calorie budget there is so much leeway to screw up.  The all or nothing mentality makes it easier to avoid food at parties and avoid snacking and avoid weight gain.  Eating just opens up the Pandora's box to cravings, desires and more eating.   You work through the exhaustion and isolate yourself to avoid food.  You get used to the headaches and embrace the hunger pangs.  You are drowning in sadness and feeling very much alone.   You are superior in your ability to eliminate what most people cannot.  Eventually you think about food all the time but it's not an actual part of your life.  You deny your longing for foods you have already decided you can't eat and so there is little margin for error.  It's simpler to starve but not realistic.  Again, back to that whole thing about the body requiring food.  Darn.   This time around when I was in weight loss mode I stuck to 800 which I think was a good number for me.  It didn't shut down my metabolism and when I got to where I wanted to be I went for a more reasonable (but still on the low end) 1,000.  These numbers seem to work OK but sometimes it's so hard to walk that line between eating the bare minimum and not over doing it. 

Sometimes I get tired of the competing voices in my head telling me I should eat but that doing so is making me fat.  When I get really frustrated and freaked out about my weight I want to go back to starving.  It might make me lose weight but I know where that road leads and I don't think I want to go there again.  If I get any lower then 110-112 my hubby will freak out anyways.  I'm already on the edge of too skinny.  I'm determined to be skinny and still eat but when I have moments where the weight won't come off and it seems that my best effort is not good enough the call of starvation gets louder and louder. At any moment my body could rebel and cause me to lose the control that I work so hard for.   I'm in a good place today but just two weeks ago I was losing it.  I've been struggling to hold onto my weight loss goals.  I am 111.5 lbs today.  This is comforting but I am afraid of what it might be tomorrow.  I don't want to fail at this.  I can't.  I live in fear of this almost every day.