The Joke is on Me

So, the joke is on me.  I took laxatives last Sunday to get rid of everything.  It got me down to 112 lbs overnight which mentally I really needed.  It was great and all, aside from the fact that I had to wait 7 long days just to be able to go again.  It goes to show you that sometimes your body will not be tricked.  Damn.  But it's all good.  I waited it out and went yesterday.  I'm up to 113 lbs (I was 114 yesterday??) which for some reason I'm able to accept right now whereas last week it was really upsetting me.  My anxiety mostly comes from fear of losing control.  When I feel like my body is doing whatever the hell it wants no matter what I do that really scares me.  So when I wasn't able to get to 112 despite my best efforts my thoughts spiraled into freak out mode. 

• What if I never ever get back to 112? 


• What if my body has decided it won't stay between 112 and 114 anymore?


• Have I ruined my metabolism? 


• What if I can't eat any thing at all anymore to maintain this weight? 


• Will I be forced to start going to the gym more just to maintain? 


• I have to be skinny!!!!  This can't be happening to me.

Then I becoming depressed about my situation. 

• Why can't I just eat like a normal person and not weigh myself a million times a day? 


• I'm so tired of counting calories.


• Hubby is getting donuts tonight and I want one so bad but I can't have one and it sucks.


• I wish this didn't matter so much to me.


• How much longer can I keep this up?


• I don't want to fail.


• Oh, god...I can't do this anymore.  I'm just so tired.

I have no answers, no words and no solutions for any of this madness.  It just is what it is for me and I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop it.  Nor do I necessarily want to because to do so would mean giving up, giving in and becoming fat.  Right now that would be even worse then dealing with all this crap.

I already know this but I am a chronic snacker and it's becoming more and more apparent.  When I'm reading blogs or watching TV I have this insatiable desire to be constantly putting food into my mouth.  Even if it's just a piece of string cheese.  Even if I space out the pretzels and only eat a few at a time to last throughout the program.  It's really ridiculous.  Hubby doesn't do this.  He eats and then he's usually OK between meals.  He is normal.  Me on the other hand am always hungry and always plotting and planning out what I'm going to eat next and when.  Even as I'm telling myself that I do not need a snack in order to watch this next episode of Dance Mom's there I am getting up and grabbing a few more pretzels.  My snacking is totally out of control.  I know this but I haven't quite figured out what to do about it.  The things I snack on aren't bad.  It's apples, pretzels and string cheese.  Or fat free candy.  I can usually fit these things pretty reasonably into my calorie budget and am able to limit them to a serving or two at the most depending on what it is.  The problem is the concept that I am compelled to put something in my mouth while I am doing a certain activity even if I'm not truly hungry.  That's the problem.   It's not messing up my calorie budget too bad but it could be the reason I'm not getting back to 112.  I need to cut it out.

I finally got my car in the shop Saturday.  The unusual sound was because I needed the breaks replaced.  $260 bucks but at least it wasn't something serious.  Half my weekend was spent cleaning out the garage and painting the floor.  Fun, fun.  And it was so hot.  The good thing is that it got me off the couch, away from my snacks and got my body moving.  It looks really good now and I'm glad we got it over with.  I'm not feeling tired today...yet.  I got enough sleep last night and I need to keep that up for the rest of the week because it will be another busy one.  Today is gym, tomorrow is school, Wednesday is gym and Thursday is a baby shower.  Eeek!!!  I can already feel the anxiety over a food function rising.  I've gotta be really good this week.