Reminiscing: My Wedding

How ridiculous is it that one year later I'm still sad that my wedding is over.  It was truly happiest day of my life.  I never imagined in my wildest dreams I would be lucky enough to have a wedding.  Ever.  I never even allowed myself to dream about it.  It's too expensive.  Other women get to have one but not me.  I never felt like I deserved it.  But I met hubby and he changed my life.  He wanted a wedding and so we had one.  I loved my dress so much.  It was the very first one I tried on and even though I tried on more dresses I think I knew right away that the first dress was the one.  The planning process was so much fun from start to finish.  It was awesome having something that huge to look forward to.  It was to be my day and I could make it anyway I wanted.  Picking colors, chair covers, locations, party favors, music, cake tasting and bridesmaid dress shopping.  I loved every second.   It went by so fast but I loved it more then anything and it was worth every single penny and every single mini break down along the way.  I would do it all over again in a heartbeat....in fact I wish I could do it again.  We were surrounded by people who love us.  Everyone was in one place at one time for us.  There will never be another day like that one.  I felt beautiful and perfect.  Make up and hair perfectly done.  The perfect princess dress.  It was like paparazzi with our friends and family taking pictures of us.  I was a star for that night and I felt like a gorgeous perfect barbie doll.   I adore our pictures.  People always tell us we are a good looking couple and that our pictures belong in a bridal magazine somewhere.   I love it that I did it all on a budget too.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  We balanced vision with budget and it turned out perfect.  Ok, not perfect.  Our cake was the wrong color but that's not what I take away from that special day.  Hubby and I had technically already been married for a year and a half but that did not diminish the joy of the day one single bit.  When I first saw him in his tux I cried.  He was even more handsome then I thought he would be.  I cried right before I walked down the aisle.  I was at the back of the garden area and no one could see me.  Seeing everyone seated there it hit me that this was actually happening.  I was a bride and this was my wedding day.  It was magical and it just doesn't get much better then that.  I cried through my vows and that moment was the first and last time I've ever seen my husband cry. 

Hubby and I

Hubby truly is my prince charming and it's because of him that I managed to overcome a lot of my depression.  I still struggle with anxiety, depression and food issues but he made me want to live when I mostly used to think about death.  He made me feel like I deserved to be happy just like anyone else.  I cannot even bear to picture life without him in it.  I would literally fall apart if I were to lose him.  He saved me from myself and for that I will always be grateful.  They say you can't love anyone else until you love yourself and I never knew what that meant.  It made no sense to me.  I believed I could hate myself for all eternity and still love someone.  But now I see it so clearly.  If you don't believe that you deserve happiness you will push it away.  You will wear your sadness and misery like a coat of armor and make it difficult for anyone to love you.  In hurting yourself you end up hurting that person.  If you don't care enough and love yourself enough to be well and okay for someone else then how can you truly love that person?  You say you want happiness but what you do and the armor you wear tells another story.  You will make yourself miserable and punish yourself and shut out anyone who tries to get close.  That's what I did to hubby without even realizing it.  I told him that he should probably move on.  I tried to keep my distance and not take anything too seriously.  Oh how I wanted this man to love me and I wanted to love him back but I felt like I was too troubled.  I had too many issues.  He deserves so much better and I wasn't going to be that one person that destroyed his life like I was destroying my own.  He was too happy and amazing for someone like me.  He should have someone smarter and more successful.  I was damaged goods.  It killed me to say it because I wanted happiness so badly but I wanted him to run away so I could go back to my sad little world of pain where I didn't have to worry about disappointing anyone else but myself.  But eventually it got to the point where I could not say no.  As much as it scared me I could not let this man pass me by.  Selfishly, I loved him and let him love me.  Turns out it was not selfish at all because although I felt I had nothing to offer he disagreed.  He believed I was worthy of his time and his love.  Even if it was and still is hard for me to accept that on some level I have to in order to let him love me.  Even now there are days where I feel the call of depression.  So many times I feel like giving up and giving into those terrible thoughts of worthlessness.  I do sometimes but because he is by my side and he loves me I have bring myself out of it.  My time is too precious with him to spend it being sad.  He loves me and wants me to be healthy and happy so that we can enjoy life together so even if I don't feel like doing it for myself I must do it for him.  Even though changing my name for the 3rd time now was a hassle and it wouldn't have bothered him if I didn't I wanted to take his name.  There would simply be no me as I am now without him so I wanted it.  He is everything to me.  

I don't normally see pictures of myself from all of  those different angles and distances.  It wasn't until after I looked at those wedding pics that I realized I was actually was slim.  Even if I try to convince myself of that otherwise time and time again the pictures don't lie.  I was 118 lbs on my wedding day and now I'm about 6 lbs less.  I'm feeling kinda fatty right now but rationally I know I can't be.

To all of you ladies out there reading this I just want to say that when you find the right person it can truly change your life.  Relationships aren't supposed to make your life harder or more stressed out.  If he doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved you don't need him and you are better off on your own.  Find some sense of peace being on your own first and only then you can let someone else in to make you even better.  I also want to say that even if life feels like hell on earth and you don't believe it right now it can get better and you do deserve to be happy.  We all do.  We may have to fight for it a little bit harder then others but that doesn't make us any less deserving.