No Fair

It's so nice having hubby back home.  I picked him up Saturday and he had already eaten a hot dog at the movies earlier that day before his flight.  He wasn't hungry and I had restricted all day so I got to munch on a variety of snacks for "dinner" while we watched a movie.  Quite gluttonous!  I had popcorn, gummy bears, FF Pringles, string cheese and chocolate.  I stayed within budget and it was all in reason but it was fun to just be eating a bunch of junk.

The fair is my thing.  It's a yearly tradition for me and I have been going since I was a kid.  I don't think I've missed a year.  Ever.  My parents went Friday and my sister went with her family yesterday.  I'm the ONLY one in my family besides my little sis who lives out of town who didn't go.  The fair is a big deal to me so it's also a big deal for me that I missed it.  We were going to go but because it was more of something I want to do I didn't think it was fair for us to go and then make hubby pay for it all.  I just couldn't bear it that I couldn't pay my own way or at least pay for something while we were there.  He was out riding Sunday morning and I texted him "Let's skip the fair....it's stressing me out too much."  He replied "OK" and that was that.  I'd been texting with my mom and my sister back and forth about it too.  My mom was trying to convince me to go because she knows how much I love it and look forward to it every year.  The bottom line is that I just don't feel like I deserve to go this year.  She says that I do because I work hard.  My response to that is apparently not hard enough...or else I would have the money to go.  My mom hates to see me this way.  She knows how hard I am on myself and how I deny myself so much because of not having money. 

I was really miserable by the time hubby got back from his bike ride. I just wanted to lay in bed all day.  He kept saying if you want to go we can go but I said no, I don't want to.  I really have no one to blame that we didn't go but me.  I was being a total Debbie Downer just laying there refusing to get dressed.  Hubby had to work a bit harder then usual to pep me up.  I was just so sad.  It's hard for me to be bummed out when I'm around him.  I love spending time with him and he loves being with me.  It's just a waste to spend it being depressed when we could be having fun together instead.  Not only would I end up punishing myself I'd be punishing him too.  Left on my own I would have laid there and felt sorry for myself all day but I can't do that to him.  He deserves better even if I don't think I do.  He suggested we go the movies so I got it together and got up for his sake.  We went to see Transformers, Dark of the Moon in 3D.  Rosie Huntington-Whitley is Sam's newest hot girlfriend.  She is a Victoria's Secret model turned actress and she is perfect.  Just perfect.  She is skinny and tall yet curvy and lean.  Her face is gorgeous and she has the most perfect lips.  She is one hot girl, jeez...even I wanted to kiss her and I am incredibly jealous of course.  Anyhow......Yes, he paid but it's a heck of a lot less then what he would have spent for both of us on a day at the fair.  I enjoyed myself at the movies and made the best of the day.  We had a free popcorn coupon and got some candy and a drink at a gas station where it's cheaper.  I missed the fair this year but I'll get over it and hopefully next year things will be different for me and I'll be able to go.   The ONLY positive thing about not going to the fair is that it meant I could not eat my favorite french bread pizza I get there every year.  I'm guessing it's about 1,000 calories and I would have wanted to get an ice cream cone too.  After the movies we stopped at his friends house and hung out then stopped at this awesome Mexican taco shop and I treated myself hubby treated me to two Carne Asada tacos.  So delicious.

I just got back from the gym not too long ago.  Hubby and I are making sliders, baked beans and roasted potatoes on our own here for the 4th.  I'm over here making him weigh the meat to make sure that they are no more then 2.5 oz each.  After he finishes prepping the food we'll watch a movie.  His co worker is having people over for dessert, drinks and fireworks later and I think we'll go to that although I'm feeling sort of tired and could probably do without it.  I've been 112.5lbs for the last five days.  I'm 111.5 at the moment after the gym but that will go back up once I start grubbing.

A lot of people find it hard to understand my extreme feelings when it comes to my finances.  I don't blame you.  My mom and sister think I'm on crack half the time too when it comes to this hard line I take on being independent and self reliant.  My sister is a stay at home mom now but before that when she did work she only made enough money to pay her own bills and not contribute any to the household.  Why is that OK for her but never for me?  Hubby and I share finances for joint bills.  We each contribute to a joint account for mortgage, grocery, and other household bills.  Whatever is left over after that is ours to spend how we want and stays in our individual accounts.  I actually came up with the budget for how much each of us would contribute and manage those accounts.  I got a raise in October of last year but only just recently increased my contributions to our joint checking and savings after I got a renter in April.  He makes more so his contributions have always been higher.  I increased my contributions as much as I could because I feel bad about that.  The problem is that when I don't get a rent check the condo mortgage comes out of my money that I have left over after bills and savings that I would normally just have left over to spend how I want.  This is why I'm broke.  The condo is a property that I owned and lived in before I met him so I feel totally responsible for it and don't want to burden him with any of it's expenses.  To lessen the burden on myself I suppose I could go back to contributing a bit less to joint checking and savings.  Things would still be tight but  I would be a little bit less broke.  I'm sure hubby would not mind if I did that but I don't want to.  No matter what, I know that our joint savings and joint bills are taken care of and that I am contributing as much as I possibly can on my salary.  True, I have nothing left over for myself if I have to pay the condo mortgage but that's what I get for not making more money.  That's what I get for not being better and more accomplished then I am.  So you see, in a way I punish myself.   Yes, he is my husband and doesn't mind helping me out but even still I feel very badly when he gives me money or pays for stuff when we go out and I can't reciprocate.  I just can't help it.  As much as I wish I didn't have to work I think it would kill me not to make my own money and contribute to the household.  The ONLY way I would feel comfortable in that type of situation is if my husband was totally loaded and making bank.  If he were a millionaire it would almost be ridiculous for me to make my little pennies and call myself contributing.  At the very least I would probably still work and just keep it all for spending money so at least he's not having to give me money.  I probably have too much pride and I don't know where this all comes from.  Not having enough money makes me feel anxious and out of control.  Spending too much money makes me feel anxious and out of control.  Having others spend money on me because I can't afford to spend it myself makes me feel sick and like a failure.  My sense of self worth is tied up to how much I weigh AND my ability to support and provide for myself financially.  Maybe I have an eating disorder and a money disorder-ha, ha!

Thanks to everyone who commented for your kind words and I hope I answered your questions.  I've been feeling so down about all of this stuff.  I feel better now that hubby is here.  Everything feels so much worse when he's not around.  When he's here we have so much fun I don't feel like that broke girl who can't afford anything.  I'll have to really work hard to keep my spirits up while he is away.  At least while he is gone I won't be out doing things I can't afford with him that might make me feel bad!!  I think it will get better once I "settle" back into the broke life.  It's just been hard transitioning.