Same Old Broke Story

Oh goodness. I was doing my bills for the coming month and I literally broke out into a cold sweat. I am broker then I thought. The story of my life.  Grocery and household bills money comes out of the joint account which I contribute to so I'm not worried about that. After my individual bills I will basically have $295 per month that I can definitely count on every month to spend on gas and anything else I want to buy. I usually budget about $200 per month for gas so that's basically $95 for spending money. Per month. Which is $23.75 per week. Which is $3.39 per day. Which is nothing really.  Now, if I get a rent check I can add $577 to that and I'm back in business. I can at least buy a little something here and there but even then I am going to need to be extra conservative because I just never know what's going to break and what expenses will come up that will reduce my rent check. Once I get used to it and I'm in that don't even think about shopping or buying pretty much anything because it's not even an option mode then it's manageable. I don't like it but I accept my fate and deal. 

Turns out what I am left with for the month of July is even worse.  After paying off my bills I have $0 for gas/spending and only $176 that I can put towards the condo mortgage.  Which means, I'll have to dip into savings to make ends meet  which means I cannot spend a single dime on anything but gas for the entire month and it will be coming out of savings because my paycheck is gone.  And that savings is slowly but surely disappearing.  I overspent based on the concept that I would get a rent check and that was a huge mistake.  Maybe I should have taken those Victoria's Secret undies back after all.  People think I'm crazy sometimes about how tight I am with money but this is exactly why I do it.  When you don't make a lot of money you have to be really careful.  There is just too little margin for error.  That's what I get for actually thinking I could just be carefree and take delight in buying stuff like everyone says I'm supposed to.  When I got my renter in April I went ahead and upped my contributions totaling about $250 spread across my individual savings, joint savings and joint checking accounts. Now that I'm finding that I can't really count on my rent check it's tighter then it was before.  Granted, I could really use that $250 but my contributions are closer to where they should have been in the first place and I'll just deal with the consequences.  I was expecting to get my yearly raise and got screwed out of that which would have amounted to about $100 take home monthly.  I don't cry much anymore like I used to yet here I am at work fighting tears.  I shut the door to my office so no one will see.  

It reminds me of the good bad old days when I was on my own. About 6 years ago I was starving, broke, depressed and lonely. My cupboards and refrigerator were nearly empty of any real food. I isolated myself at home to avoid eating out and spending money. It worked. I was thin and I kept my bills paid. It wasn't necessarily fun and I certainly wasn't happy but I didn't feel that I deserved any better and living that way just confirmed my belief that I was never meant to be happy anyways. I somehow took a sick delight in my suffering and my pathetic lifestyle. It was proof that I had a reason to be depressed and it somehow made me feel strong even in my state of weakness that I could get by on so little food and so little money. I was good at that if nothing else. Keeping strict track of food, weight and money totally consumed me. That's all there was and that's all I had. The difference now is that I'm not alone anymore and I'm supposed to be happy. Scratch that I AM happy. I actually want to get out and do things with friends and with hubby so it will be harder to deal with not being able to then it was in the past.

I can get by on very little. I've done it before and I can do it again. I just feel bad for hubby. I feel like a burden. I feel bad because I don't want him to have to pay for everything all the time. I feel bad because I can't accompany my husband to his family reunion. I feel bad because I'm not that beautiful yet capable wife that can pay for dinner out or bring home something new for the house. I consider my husband to be a good catch. He's smart, handsome, romantic, fun, has a good upwardly mobile job and is so kind. The type of woman I see him with is a financially successful, beautiful, fun, happy, domestic diva that cooks sometimes. I don't feel like I'm holding up my end of the bargain. Not having money makes me feel like a worthless loser which makes me feel like I don't deserve hubby, which makes me feel sad and depressed, which makes me want to starve. It's a crazy tailspin of a thought process but that's how my mind operates.  I gotta control what I can.  If nothing else I need to be thin.  I have enough problems and I don't need to add being fat to the list.