I Am Powerless

Yesterday's Eats: [885]

• Breakfast:  PBJ (235), Coffee (50)
• Lunch:  RF Cheese It's (150)
• Snack:  Yoplait (100)
• Dinner:  Beef & Broccoli (150), Spring Roll (90)
• Snack:  String Cheese (80), Grapes (30)

The girls on America's Next Top Model are super thin this cycle.  There are gangly legs and bony shoulders all over the place.  One of them is 6'2" and can only be described as a walking skeleton.  No plus size models this time.  The prize is Italian Vogue and I guess it makes no sense to even pretend that they would let a plus size girl grace the pristine pages of that one.  What I wouldn't give for an opportunity like that.  To be that Ivy League rich girl who looks like she stepped off of the pages of a Ralph Lauren add.  There is only one winner but at least half of those girls will still end up with an awesome career in modeling.   Must be nice.

I got so annoyed when hubby came home all sweaty from biking and would not leave me alone.  Don't bother me when I am watching Top Model.  He walked in the door at the exact moment the show started. This is the season premier.  He wanted a kiss.  He wanted to chat and joke.  Then he wanted me to tell him how hot he looked in his biker outfit.  I paid him no attention and told him to please just go take a shower.  I felt a little bad but I was just trying to enjoy my show.  He was obviously trying to antagonize me by demanding attention while it was on.  He knows how much I love that show and should have just left me alone.  Which he finally did.

I already know what's going on with my numbers.  The bottom line is that I am retaining and as long as my body has decided that's what it wants to do I am powerless.  I can only do my job and hope that at some point my body will stop fighting me.  I had about a week reprieve from these high numbers and now I am back up again even with 3 days in a row exercising and staying around 1000 calories.  It hardly phased me when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw I had gained because now I expect it.  I know exactly what my body is doing and that it is wasted energy to get upset about it.  My clothes fit the same.  The numbers go up but I am convinced it's not "real" weight.  It can't be.  How else could I have dropped down to 116.5 within a matter of days without doing anything different?  Why else would I now be up 2.5 pounds all over again just a week later for apparently no reason?  I still hate what I see on the scale but knowing that makes me feel a little less awful about it.  I didn't even bother to weigh myself before bed like I have been.  What's the point?  I know I won't like the number and I already know it's not going to get much better no matter what I do.  I gain weight in the shower.  I gain weight from eating or not eating and the exercise barely whittles away at it.  The anxiety and hope that I used to feel when I stepped on the scale has been replaced with resignation. 

I am switching to Yaz for my birth control.  It's also considered a low dose but has something that the other pills don't.  A slight diuretic.  That's all I needed to hear.  SOLD!  At my doctor's appointment today my doctor switched me to that and I will be starting it just as soon as I run out of my current pack.  I am hoping it will make a difference.  My weigh in of 121 at the doctor's office was disgusting.  How dare they make me step on a scale fully clothed and with shoes!  The horror.