118.5: I was Anorexic

I was looking at some old online diaries from 2004.  I have such a bad memory that I forgot that I actually did miss my period for well over 4 months-I didn't continue on reading to discover when it came back.  Technically, I was anorexic and I did get diagnosed.  I was going to the psychiatrist and taking anti depressants.  I had a counselor too.  My family thought I'd lost my mind.  My ex husband was making me get on the scale.  I was maintaining at about 111-113.  I didn't count calories back then.  My plan was just sticking to low fat snacks and doing exercise videos.  I only ate "real" food when I went out to eat.  I avoided social outings and didn't have a lot of friends so it wasn't that often.  Other then that it was bread, pretzels, graham cracker sticks, string cheese, Wow potato chips and bran flakes.  Things like that.  I suspect that my portions of those snacks were probably more then the serving size and my calories could actually be similar to what I am eating now but I didn't document it.  Hard to believe that when I actually did have an ED calories were less important then they are to me now.  Not counting calories I probably didn't realize how much those snack foods were adding up to.   When I went out I would splurge and eat bread sticks or casadillas.  I'd go up a little but then it was right back to the snacks and the numbers went down.  Anyhow, the plan worked.  I was thin.  I was anorexic but even when I was I didn't allow myself to believe it.  For some reason I didn't think I was good enough or thin enough or extreme enough to truly have an eating disorder. 

My metabolism eventually stalled out on me and that was extremely difficult.  I finally gave up because I stopped getting results.  I stopped loosing and was barely eating a thing.  I was worn out.  I got scared about my lack of nutrients and what it was doing to my body.  It's not the first time I've gone back and read that diary but it is the first time that it's actually hit me that I did have an eating disorder.  Ha!  Figures.  I never think I've achieved anything while I am doing it.  I never let myself "enjoy" anything.  Nothing is ever good enough for me.  Like it how I use the word achieve to describe and eating disorder?  That's how it was and still is in my twisted mind.  You have to be strong minded and powerful to have an ED.  Never mind that everything you are doing is only weakening you physically and emotionally.  You are strong, you are powerful and you are thin.  It's something not everyone can do and I did it.  The logic is totally twisted but I guess that is proof that my mind does not necessarily think "normally."

So how about now?  For the most part I tend to believe that I am the norm.  Lot's of girls want to be thin.  Many women are on diets.  The whole world it seems is obsessed with thin.  I'm certainly not the only one.  Reading blogs from others has also reinforced that thought in my mind.  Look at all these other women who maintain ridiculously low calorie counts and are obsessed with the scale.  It's not just me.  On the other hand perhaps we are all sick!

The funny thing about all this is that I didn't really necessarily plan to get under 118 again.  My metabolism had bottomed out, I put it behind me and got comfortable with 119-122 max.  It was kinda cool actually to not care so much but it didn't last.  I never believed I would ever get low again because it took so much effort just to be where I'm at before.  When hubby went away on leave in 2008 I was alone and old habits started to kick in.  Then when the numbers got lower then they had since 2005 I liked it and found I was able to keep it there so I kept going.  I wasn't necessarily pushing for anything in particular.  I mean sort of, but not really.  Hubby came back in Nov 09 and I kept the numbers down for a while and starting at about March or so of this year I started having a hard time just staying under 117.  The scale kept going up and up but I haven't been determined enough to reverse it. 

I want to be extreme again.  I want to see if I can get down to 110-115.  All the steps forward, steps back, hating myself for being a pig, keeping a secret online journal and tracking calories again has been building to it.   I will need to finally get a solution to my irregularity.  I am now going on 5 days since the last dump and I had to wait 5 days for that one.  I've gotten some tips but I haven't really done much.  I guess I keep hoping the problem will just go away.  My big fear is that my metabolism will bottom out again.  After going through that I've been so big on eating even if it's not a lot and not really striving for starvation.  Nutrients are a factor too.  I need to get going on Vitamins.  By the handful if I have to.  I want to keep up with the yogurt and cheese for calcium and beef up the fruits and veggies.  I can't let my husband know that anything is amiss.  That is very important.   

Tomorrow is October 1st.  My nice round number.  Yesterday a co worker offered me her hash browns.  I accepted them but threw them in the trash.  I've been putting off happy hour with a friend because I haven't felt I had the willpower to not eat a lot and my weight has been horrible.   Hubby is doing happy hour tonight and goes straight out of town tomorrow so I will be left to my own devices from now until Sunday.  I either have the will power to do this or I don't.  We shall see.

Tuesday Eats: [882]

• Breakfast:  PBJ (240), Coffee (50)
• Lunch:  RF Wheat Thins (150)
• Snack:  Yoplait (100)
• Dinner:  Soft Serve Yogurt RF (232), Snackwells-2 (110)

P90X Legs/Back 60 minutes

Wednesday Eats: [970]

• Breakfast:  PBJ (240), Coffee (50)
• Lunch:  RF Cheese It's (150)
• Snack:  Yoplait (100), Granola Bar (100)
• Dinner:  Tuna Casserole (200)
• Snack:  Apple (50), Cheese (80)

P90X Abs 16 min