I'm No Prize

One of my original reasons for wanting to stay single is that I didn't feel that I had a whole lot to offer. Most people looking for a partner want someone that wants to better themselves among other things. Someone who is either going to school or looking to further their career. I am none of this. I felt like if I just stay single I don't have to worry about disappointing a partner or dragging anyone down when they find out that I am what I am. I am not driven or a go getter. The job I have now is very likely going to be the same one I have in 10 years. I won't be making much more money either. Some men don't really appreciate that in a mate and I can't say that I blame them. It's natural to want your partner to do well.

When I met hubby I resisted. I tried to tell him that with all of his potential that he should probably not be with someone like me. He said it didn't matter and it felt great to know that he loved me for me and that I didn't have to BE anything, but I can only wonder when that will change.

Based on what I do some people automatically assume that I must be shooting for something more but that is actually not the case. I used to hate it when people would ask so, are you going to school or anything? It's like nope. I just go to work. I am not working on a Masters or a career. I have a J-O-B.

Last night in bed we got to talking about jobs. I told him that my job isn't so bad. I don't mind it. I have good benefits and it's stable. He agreed but pointed out that it is stagnant. Which it is. There isn't much room for advancement. There is one other job classification ahead of mine that I can keep trying to apply for. I interviewed for it earlier this month but wasn't chosen. Other then that I can just expect to get my little raise every year when I go to the next salary step and that's about it. There isn't much in the way of promotion opportunities. He's like "That's it? They don't have any career development programs or employee development?" Nope. There isn't much to develop. It's just a dead end job but with my skills and experience paywise it is highly unlikely I would do better anywhere else. I've tried.

I felt distant from him when we fell asleep last night. Is he second guessing how he feels about me? I have a sick feeling in my gut because I can tell that he doesn't really approve of my mediocrity and I can understand why. It certainly wouldn't be good enough for him. He is going to school and he has a career. He is planning to make a lot more money in his lifetime and the place where he works is full of opportunities for promotion. While he's planning on bettering himself and moving up in the world I am not.

He alone has to shoulder the burden of making money so that we can improve our lifestyle. It dawned on me that the reason he doesn't stress so much about money is because he really plans on making more. I don't. I plan my life around what I got now because it's not likely to get much better. I hold on tightly to every bit of savings I have and don't spend freely because I know exactly what paycheck I am getting next month and it doesn't allow me too many extras or to save much. This is why he is ok with that higher mortgage. By next year he will be making significantly more and it won't be a problem. He talks about maybe his next car being a BMW or in the next house he wants a double oven. NEXT HOUSE? All I can do is raise my eyebrows because such thoughts don't ever enter my head. I can't see being able to manage getting another car so this one had better last. I am barely able to contribute enough to get us into this starter house we are getting let alone think about getting another one. I thought we'd just live in the one forever. I'm the one who is constantly freaking out about money and saying I don't think we should get it or I don't know if that will fit into the budget. I don't even want him to buy me a B day gift because I am afraid the money could be better used elsewhere what with the wedding and the house. I don't plan on too many trips or outings. I don't have aspirations for more because on my salary I know I can't have it. I think it's great that he does because it means he has goals and wants to progress. That's how it should be in life but it's just not something I can do. It's really a sad take on life. I wouldn't want this for anyone I care about.

It's normal to want things but somehow I have just tried to cut that out of my life, accept what I have and try my best to be happy about it. It didn't happen over night but I've done a pretty good job of doing that. I don't wine to anyone about my "lot" in life or place blame on anyone else. I don't complain that I don't have this or I can't do that. I accept responsibility for my path and I am learning to live with it and not beat myself up about it. But, there are always moments where I feel ashamed and sad about where I am. When my longing for something I can't have gets the best of me. Moments when I feel badly for not doing better for hubby. We are a couple. It's not fair for him to feel restricted or held back from progressing in this world because I am an unequal partner who obviously doesn't share his vision judging from my inability to do better.

I wonder if he is embarrassed of me. I wonder how he feels when his friends ask what his wife does. Do they wonder why he is with me or think that he could do better? 'Cause I know he can. That he chose me is still a mystery to me and I still worry that I will be the one thing in his life that doesn't glitter. He's done everything else right.

I am rededicating myself to being the best wife I can be. I can't ever take him for granted and turn into some bitchy, nagging, wife who never wants to have sex. I need to do everything in my power to make this man happy. I don't want him to fall out of love with me.

• Let him be him
• No nagging
• Quit verbalizing money issues
• Serve him in any way that I can
• Don't complain about clutter-GET OVER IT
• Keep up my appearance and stay fit
• Become an awesome cook
• Take care of the house chores
• Be good in bed
• Give of myself 100%
• Be generous
• Be positive

These are all things I want to do anyways as a wife but I should be going above and beyond to compensate for my shortcomings. Mostly because I love him and he deserves it. But also because I'm no prize.