Still Fat

It's been going on 3 weeks of strict Whole30.  Four altogether if you count the modified week.  I'm going on three weeks of Bikini Body Guide exercising 5-6 days per week.  All this effort and all I've got to show for it is that I've gained and lost the same exact pound for the last month.  I see no changes in my body, meanwhile my husband has lost five pounds in the same amount of time.

I should have lost at least one real pound this year at least.  Yesterday I wanted to quit.  I still might.  In the end, I just said, "whatever" and did the work out.  It's hard to stay motivated when you are 98% certain that you will not see results.  The diet isn't the hardest part for me it's the sweat and the pain of exercise.  I am really, really tired today and my knees hurt.  I would be a lot easier to go about getting sweaty, pushing through and barely being able to walk up stairs the next day if I was making progress.  I am putting in all this effort now with no results so what happens when I finally give up?  

It's been a really tricky road for the last year and half.  Each step of the way I researched my little heart out and did what I felt was best at the time but my body sends me so many mixed signals and there is so much conflicting information.   A year ago I still had hope that even if I allowed my body to gain the weight it needed in order to stabilize my metabolism I would at some point be able to lose it.  I can diet and exercise with the best of them.  That's not my problem.  The problem is that my body refuses to budge, there really isn't anything I can do about it, and after trying for so long all I want to do is give up.  Every day I jump from website to website trying to find the magic solution.  The thyroid diet, the anti-inflammatory diet, Whole30, paleo, plant based.  They all contradict each other and I could probably spend the next year trying every one of them and still not lose a pound.  I research exercise and it's the same confusion.  At first I was finding that some form of daily cardiovascular exercise was good for the thyroid and now I'm reading that it could be damaging.  I thought I had a plan and now I'm STILL not sure if what I'm doing will hinder or help.  I haven't told anybody outside my mom and husband that I'm doing Whole30 in combination with a 12 week exercise program because when a person goes all out like that you expect results.  The big question at the end of it will be, "So, did it work?  Did you lose weight?"  I already know the answer will be no.  Most people lose weight on Whole30, or at the very least get a boost in energy or a change in body composition.  I'm not seeing any of that.  It will be pretty embarrassing to admit that I embarked on this drastic exercise and diet regimen only to end up in the exact same place I started.    

If I could pin point a moment where my body switched over from re-feed weight gain to slow thyroid weight gain I'd say it was January.  Up until then my body was stubborn but there were moments where I could see a possible light at the end of the tunnel.  I was resting my body because that's what I thought was best at the time and my body was not responding to heavy exercise well.  Would it have been any different if I'd tried Whole30 in December? I doubt it but, 15 lbs later I wonder what I could have done differently and wish like hell that I could have avoided gaining these last 10 lbs because I don't think they are ever coming off.  It's all been a guessing game so the the only thing I might do differently is try to hire a real nutrition coach sooner, but I kept hoping that maybe my body just needed a little bit more time.  The first one was rubbish, but you get what you pay for.  The second one said she could work with me but that I should get labs done, or else I might be spinning my wheels.  I agreed.  Then I found out that my TSH was high.  Now, it's probably too late.

Maybe I should have never thought it was cool to be 110 lbs in the first place but to this day I still don't know how much of that was choice and how much of that was an eating disorder.  What a cruel twist of fate it is for someone who used to lose weight for sport, fit into a size two (sometimes zero), and model for extra money to find themselves 30 lbs heavier unable to lose a single pound.  It KILLS me to look at old photos.  This is a total and absolute living nightmare for someone who may or may not have an eating disorder.  Last month my agent called and left a message about a modeling job that she wanted to book me for.  I just told her that it conflicted with work because I'm too ashamed to admit that I got fat.  I used to be able to show up on any job and know I'd fit into the clothes and now I can't even fit into my own.  I was the skinny ideal and now I'm hiding under maxi skirts, haven't worn pants outside of leggings and the few pairs of jeans I bought to accommodate my size.  I'll definitely be saving money on clothes because I don't see myself taking pleasure in shopping ever again.  My original plan was to avoid any castings until I lost some weight which isn't too hard since they are few and far between.  It doesn't look like I'll be losing weight any time soon, so I'm thinking of sending her an e mail telling her that I'm moving out of state.  My how the mighty have fallen.

My doctor's appointment is next week.  I have this bad feeling that I'm going to be what is considered "sub-clinical" which basically means hypothyroid without severe symptoms and not bad enough to treat.  I don't want to be hypothyroid either, but at least if I was I could take some medication that might bring my levels down to normal and allow me to lose weight.  Maybe the fatigue and insomnia are related.  Even with this perfect diet of whole foods I still get exhausted and I have take a sleeping pill every work night so I can get to sleep and wake up the next morning.  Also, if my TSH remains high and I'm not treatable hypothyroid now, there is a good chance I will be in the future.

I know I'm really negative, but can you blame me? I am physically and biologically unable to lose weight and it sucks.