Shoulda Known Better

Saturday we did this giant scavenger hunt with hubby's job.  It was so much fun.  I managed to lose 1.5 through the week with just light cardio and was on a good track to be down in numbers for this week when I switched back to hard cardio.  I ate cereal for breakfast Saturday morning which is usually never good because I tend to over do it.  I ate cereal a couple months ago and I measured and talked myself through just one serving.  This time I poured and just ate.  Not good.  It was just Bran Flakes and Fat Free milk so I figured how bad could it be?  I wore my heart rate monitor during the scavenger hunt.  In 3 1/2 hours I burned 1200 calories.  I figured I probably burned off the cereal and then some and could probably eat like a normal or semi normal person.  Not exactly.  Shoulda known my body hates my guts. Anybody else could have eaten what I did and probably not gained so much but not me.  I know better but it's that moment when I am hungry, have been depriving myself and am presented with food in a restaurant; especially when it's free that I simply don't care.  I lose control.  They provided Mexican food appetizers for us once we were done buffet style and I went to town.  I had 2 potato skins, 3 quesadilla triangles, 3 taquitos and a chicken tender.  I just burned 1200 calories and all I ate was cereal.  I told myself it should be okay even though I realistically knew that it would not be.  Maybe someone else could have gotten away with it but not me. 

I gained 2.5 lbs overnight.  Even with all of that physical activity.  It's almost comical.  I'd laugh if it weren't so darn devastating.  So, here I go again.  Digging myself out of a mess I totally created for myself.  I've just been barely keeping my head above water weight wise and each and every time I screw up it's because of eating out.  It's been KILLING any progress I make.  I do fine at work except for an extra treat here and there.  I do well at home by skipping dinner if I can, eating light snacks or controlling portion sizes.  It's the eating out that is totally hindering my progress.  I've identified the culprit and you'd think it might be simple enough to fix it.   I have a food addiction.  I know this.  It clearly is going to take me a lot of screw ups before I get a handle on it.  Eventually I'll get sick of screwing up but I just don't know how long or how many pounds it's going to take me.  I have to keep reminding myself so what if I only ate 800 calories every day for the last week.  I still don't get to indulge.  Maybe other people get to indulge here and there without it making that big of a difference but not me.  I don't have that option right now if I ever hope to get to my ideal weight.

I'm still falling down and screwing things up.  I'm still frustrated and there are times when I literally wish I could just jump out of my skin but I'm still trying.  This week I'll be killing myself with cardio 4 days in a row.  Then, ideally I can not screw it up over the weekend.   

Kitty, you asked what my husband said after I told him all that stuff about how he better just let me be because I'm an adult and I can decide what I want to eat for myself.  Well, he really didn't say much.  I actually told him that I gained 2.5 lbs from Saturday (when usually I just keep it to myself) and that I was needing to lose it this week.  I just put it out there because I cannot be messed with food wise by him.  My highs are getting higher and I just can't deal with him.  We are getting our counter tops re done so I'm totally off the hook until at least Wednesday because our kitchen will be unusable.

I realized that I was in an almost constant state of irritability with hubby for a couple weeks.  I was wondering what was going on.  Did he change?  Did I change?  I realized it was two fold.  I was letting the messiness around the house get to me. Yes, my husband is a bit messy but yes I do have anxiety about it too which heightens my frustration level with it.  Because it makes me irritable it makes me feel like a bitch, then it makes me feel like a bad wife.  When I feel like a bad wife I just feel crappy.  I feel selfish and evil then I start feeling insecure in my relationship.  Like, why would my husband want to be with someone so mean and then that spirals into criticizing myself for not cooking as much, not wanting to have sex as much, not making enough money, and overall just not being good enough.  All of this totally affects my mood and disposition. On top of that I had the "what's for dinner?" pressure he was putting on me.  I was walking around with a lump in my throat because I just felt so unsettled and moody.  I really think it all starts with the household clutter and how I let it affect me.   Hubby didn't do so much messy stuff over the last week and he finally stopped hounding me about dinner and making him food.  His sweatpants are still on the floor next to the bed and he has no intention of moving them until the weather changes and he knows he won't be wearing them but he did do the dishes.  He put all his exercise gear away after using it.  When I at least see some effort that offsets my frustration.  My anxiety lifted and when that happened I could see the change in myself and how I relate to him.  It's a good realization and it's definitely something (among many many others) that I need to work on.